A Tribute to our First "Baby"

~DARBY~ Darby, you are much too beautiful for this world. I only wish we could have known how little time we might have with you, our sweet little pup. I would have cherished every little thing that you did and would never have pushed you away or failed to give you all of my attention when I was doing something that I thought was more important. Please know, that despite this, we love your spotted little self with every inch of our souls. You make us laugh when we are sad and have a way of loving us no matter how sad we make you feel. Your wagging little stub of a tail and your big brown eyes....are more special to us than anything that money can buy. Your warm little head and cold nose are the most special things in the world to us. Please don't leave us for another place. We need you here...we need you Darby...please don't go away yet. You are much too beautiful for this world. Love, Mom &; Daddy Dedicated to our first and most special baby Darby O'Dal...our 4 1/2 year old dalmatian who is suffering from cervical vertebral instability ("wobbler's syndrome") and who may never get better. Please God let us have him here with us for a few more years. Please.

Taking Matters Into Our Own Hands!

Despite all of our hope, spawned by a couple of very faint and very early HPT's the wicked and evil AF found me yesterday. The scary thing is that means that my luteal phase last cycle was only 10 days!  My luteal phase is ALWAYS 14 days...always....so I will just attribute the short one to my miscarriage last month and my body trying to get back to normal. I had been instructed to call my RE's nurse on CD 1 so that she could call in a prescription of Clomid for me to start on CD3 for an IUI. However, I figured that since we got pregnant on our own...they probably would want us to try on our own for a while instead of jumping right into IUI's. WRONG!!!! The nurse told me that I was scheduled for an ultrasound at cd 13 to look for developing follicles and for a prometrium (?) shot that same day to bring on O. I asked her if we could slow down and try on our own for a few months...and she said "sure, just save the Clomid until you are ready to go forward." I don't think she understood. I wanted to take the Clomid, but wanted to TTC without IUI's for a few cycles...with the assistance of Clomid. I believe that my RE's office would like us to skip right to IVF/ICSI....they would rather have us get pregnant that way than to do it on our own. I really believe that. Well, we are going to pick up the Clomid tonight and I am going to take it! And if we don't get pregnant on our own with the Clomid, I guess I will have to explain to the nurse what I did at that time (because they will want me to start the Clomid before my IUI and I won't have any left.) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. (oh, I hope I get pregnant and don't have to explain!!!! )

Addicted to Home Pregnancy Tests and negative, negative, negative....

The crazed HPT addict has struck again. After my last post two days ago, I took a First Response HPT, and guess what, there was a very faint line. Wooo Hooo I thought...we did it again, this is AMAZING. We kept checking the two tests I had taken to make sure that there were really lines there...and although they were much much fainter than the ones I saw last month, they were there. Well, after and hour the one on the First Response disappeared completely. I have never had that happen before. I know that I do not have hCG left in my body as I had Betas performed until my level went down to 0. So I took another CVS test the next morning (yesterday) and again got a very very faint 1/2 line. Paul went out immediately and bought more tests...a Confirm and another pack of CVS tests. I took a Confirm that afternoon and it was negative (even after 4 hours). We must have stared at that thing for 3 hours combined time in every light imaginable *trying* to find a hint of a line...and there was nothing.  Then I went on and took another First Response (crazed, am I not) and this one was totally negative. (of course it was) This morning at 10 DPO, my temp dropped to coverline...so I knew nothing good would come of testing today. So what did I do???? I took yet another CVS (uping the anti of HPT's for the weekend to about $60) and it was negative...not even a faint little 1/2 line. I am not pregnant and we are now broke. I will just wait out the last 5 days of my cycle now (AF is due in 5 days) and then I can start Clomid. *sigh* Now I see why everyone says not to test early...

Hmmmm

Well, I was stupid. I took a Confirm test yesterday at 7 DPO...and of course it was negative. DUH....implantation had probably not even occurred. I need to be shot, or chained to a chair, or something. Then last night, I started to feel some heartburn. I noticed heartburn last month about 7-8 DPO and I turned out to be pregnant...so what did I do this morning at 8 DPO? I took a CVS HPT. I really am crazy. However, after getting the negative result (that I totally expected---why did I even take it then, right?) about 20 minutes later there was a hint of a very faint 1/2 line. It is very faint and is only a 1/2 line. So I am not saying anything to anyone. Paul knows as he saw the test this morning and shook his head when he saw the negative result wondering why I keep doing this to myself. But then he noticed the line as well. I am not counting this as a positive, as CVS probably has some sort of an evaporation line or something. But guess what I will be doing tomorrow morning? I am terrified.

Documenting Symptoms

Well, I have been finding myself comparing everything this cycle to the last, when I was pregnant. "When did I first feel pregnant?" When did I first have a triphasic temperature?" "Didn't I have heartburn last month?"...yadda, yadda, yadda. It is obsession at its best. I guess now that I know that we really can conceive on our own, I have become more crazed than ever. So...for future reference, I am going to try to document my symptoms this time...regardless of how insignificant they may seem at the time. *Light cramping/tugging sensation beginning at about 3 DPO *Weird vivid dreams 3 DPO. *Very sore breasts starting at 3DPO. Veins becoming more visible at 5DPO. *Feeling colder than normal. *Left knee pain when I bend it (I know that I had this last month when I was pregnant. I have read that increased progesterone can cause a loss of the fluid in the joints.) *Emotional (Huge crying fight with DH 5DPO, then cried on the way to work at 6DPO because I think I need an eye lift and DH not supportive.) *Bloating--6DPO *Possible light nausea evening 6DPO. Well that's about it.  Crazy, huh? Yes, these *symptoms* are probably all in my head...the odds are in favor of that. But just let me have a little fun and feel hopeful for a few days, okay?

Strange Hamster Dream....

Well, I am officially now 4 DPO and I have the sorest breasts! I have sore breasts after Ovulation occasionally and didn't have sore breasts this early when I was pregnant, so I will not place too much stock in that "symptom." Other than that, I have no symptoms, unless you call very strange dreams a symptom! At 2DPO, I had at three totally different dreams and I do remember reminding myself to remember them, as they were very moving and vivid. I woke up after each one and thought to myself how odd the dreams were. I wanted to tell Paul about them when I woke up. When I finally did get up the next morning, wouldn't you know it, I couldn't remember the three dreams! Then last night, I had a dream...and I do remember it...so I wanted to document it here, as I found it very odd and somewhat disturbing. I dreamed that Paul and I had two little hamsters (which we don't) and we knew that one (a black and white spotted one????) was not able to have babies...so we had spent the day at the pet shop looking at mother hamsters that were pregnant and picking which one we wanted to be the mother of our future baby hamster. (Now, as an animal rescue person, I in no way agree with the breeding of animals--Spay or Neuter your pets!!!--but for some reason Paul and I were interested in breeding our hamster in my dream). After choosing the perfect hamster to be the mother of our baby hamster (and agreeing to come back for a baby when they were born), we went home and I was laying on the bed and saw our hamster (the B&W one) running across our bedroom floor and she stopped and struggled for a moment and a little baby hamster was there beneath her. She continued to move around and have babies all over our bedroom (7 in all). I was screaming for Paul and he was helping me bring them to life, as the mom hamster was pretty much leaving them after she had them. The dream went on for a while longer...but that is the gist of it.  Weird huh?

Ovulation and Progesterone

FINALLY! After much anticipation, I have finally ovulated! This has been quite a suspenseful cycle so far. (Probably because it is my first cycle since my miscarriage.)  I had a positive OPK on cd 17, and I usually get a temp rise the day after a positive OPK...but on cd 18, my temp stayed low. Then, much to my relief, I arose this morning to a nice temp jump from 97.4 to 97.9. Whew...I think I finally O'd this cycle. We can now rest and relax. Sometimes it feels like a major nerve-wrecking, on the edge, competition...waiting, timing, ...and then O happens and it is as if all of the pressure is suddenly lifted. At least that is the way I feel. The two week wait doesn't stress me out nearly as bad as the first half of my cycle. I just sit back and watch what happens. Sure, I obsess with the best of them...but it is so nice to know that I don't have to do anything...I don't have any control...so I can just sit back and settle in for the ride. Which brings me to the real topic of this entry. Progesterone. I don't know what to do. Last cycle (before I found out I was pregnant) my blood test showed low progesterone. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I called our RE and at my request he prescribed progesterone, though he said it was not necessary. He said that low progesterone is not the reason for miscarriage, but rather an indication that the ovulation and/or pregnancy was not right to begin with. I have confirmed this analysis on a number of website. However, there are so many women who are positive that progesterone supplementation save their pregnancies. So hear I sit, one day post O, trying to determine whether I should go ahead and start progesterone supplements, just in case. One reason that I don't want to is because if you do this too often, it can cause anovulatory cycles (as the progesterone builds up in your system) and we don't really know for sure that it is safe for the baby...and why take it if not necessary. (It's really messy and gross too). But...if it could prevent another miscarriage, it would certainly be worth the risk and the mess. I just don't know what to do. I have been taking a B complex to help my body produce its own progesterone. I will have to keep contemplating this one...I have a day or two to make up my mind, as they suggest that supplementation begin at 3 dpo.

Call us crazy but....

We are going to try again...the first cycle after the miscarriage.  I know, I know...a lot of the doctors say that you should wait at least one cycle before trying to conceive again....but it is just so hard to do that after finally achieving pregnancy. We also have concerns that this might take us a long time to conceive again (if ever). Paul's sperm counts are very very poor (5 million/ml, 38% motility, and antibodies to his own sperm to boot!). It was a miracle that we conceived on our own int he first place...so it is probably unlikely that we can do it again. Our RE has decided that I will start Clomid on my next cycle, as during my fertility blood work, my progesterone came back at 8.0 at 8 dpo last month (unbeknown to anyone I was pregnant that month ) and that is not very good. However, the RE felt that rather than jumping to the conclusion that I had low progesterone, that it should be viewed as an indication of a "poor ovulation". I did some research and found evidence to support this theory. (and I did miscarry that pregnancy) The Clomid is supposed to help to produce a better ovulation. However, the RE wouldn't give it to me this cycle so I am a little afraid that it will happen again. When Paul called and asked them for Clomid for this cycle, the nurse told us that this was not a "period" that I was having, that it was a "miscarriage" and that we had to wait at least one cycle before trying again. She went on to say that after I have a normal period, she is sure that the doctor would "let us try next cycle." EXCUSE ME!!!!  He will LET us try next cycle. I am not even going to go into that right now. Anyway, I am on cycle day 18 of this cycle (if you count the first day of my miscarriage as cd1). I got a positive OPK yesterday morning and we BD last night. My temperature still hasn't risen yet...so we will see.

Update....we did it....but we had a miscarriage.

Things have been happening so fast since I last wrote and there have been so many different emotions...I don't even know where to start. I think that the last time that I wrote, we had just received the results of Paul's mail-order semen analysis. The count and motility were very poor. We were not totally surprised by this, as Paul had two vasectomy reversals and he had never gotten a good count since the surgeries (but hey... there were sperm there and I figured the numbers would continue to increase...which they didn't). Anyway, we had our first RE's appointment and it was so awful I felt like throwing in the towel for good. He basically spent the full hour telling us how many things could go wrong (primarily due to my age) if we ever did get pregnant and then told us in no uncertain terms that IUI's would not work for us due to Paul's low sperm count and that more than likely IVF would not work. He told us that our only option was IVF with ICSI (single sperm injected into the egg) and tehn proceeded to tell us that because this procedure has only been around for abut 8 years there was no proof that the children born of this procedure wouldn't have problems down the road. Needless to say, I wanted to give up when we walked out of the office and cried to two days. Fortunately, Paul had us transferred to a different RE within the practice and we met with him and he gave us much more hope and we were excited again! People in positions of authority can certainly influence your feelings and decisions. It's awful. I am not a weak woman...but that horrible man certainly managed to change my outlook on ttc within an hour! Anyway, AF came on May 17th and I ovulated late (cd 1 DH had another SA done after O and I had my progesterone (and other blood tests) done at 8 dpo. The nurse called and said that my progesterone at 8dpo was only 8.0 and that this indicated a "poor" ovulation. She said that I clearly did ovulate, but it wasn't as good an ovulation as they would have liked to have seen, so they wanted me to start Clomid on cd3 of my next cycle. I asked her if I should start taking progesterone supplements, just in case I was pregnant (fat chance huh?) and she said not worry about it that we would jut try the Clomid next cycle and see if that would help. Despite the fact that I had absolutely no signs of pregnancy and had virtually NO chance of conceiving based on Paul's SA, I went ahead and took a pregnancy test on Friday, May 16th at about 2:00 am when I got home from work. (I was burning the midnight oil!) Negative. So I threw it in the trash and went to sleep. We got up at 6:00 am the next morning (had to work all day at a dog festival) and I don't know why, but I pulled out that Confirm test that I had thrown in the trash...and there it was a second line!!!!! I can't tell you how I felt. I had never seen a second line before...and I knew in my heart that there was no reason that I should be seeing one that day. We had less than 5 million sperm per cc to work with and low motility on top of that, it just wasn't possible. So I took another test, and then another and another. That weekend, I took 8 HPTs and all were faintly positive. I called the RE's emergency line and the doctor on call ordered my progesterone supplements due to my low progesterone at 8 dpo (even though he said that they were not necessary). I started them on Saturday evening...and I was the happiest person on earth. Paul was pretty thrilled too! I can't tell you what a wonderful weekend we had. I had my Beta on Monday and everything looked good...at 14 dpo, my hCG level was 125.4. We also received the results of Paul's second SA. This one showed 5 million sperm per cc with 38% motility. His count had gotten a little worse, but his motility had improved (but still below normal). However, the new development was the results of his sperm antibody test....it showed that Paul has antibodies to his own sperm...meaning that his body recognizes his perm as foreign...and destroys 52% of whatever he produces. Seeing this made us (as well as our nurse) realize how very special this pregnancy was....our very own little miracle!!!! I had a second Beta on Wednesday...and that is when we knew things weren't going as planed, as my hCG was only 137 (it should have doubled by then). At that point we figured that I was going to miscarry....so the grieving began. I was just hoping that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, but poor Paul would not give up on this baby. He became so upset if I even tried to prepare myself and him by recognizing that I was probably going to miscarry this baby. I had a couple more hCG