Not Doing Well

I am so angry...I don't really know why. At the same time I am totally depressed. My temperature took a nose dive this morning....so I think that AF is on her way. But that is not the reason I feel the way I do...at least I don't think it is. I can't adequately describe the way I feel. Apathy and anger mixed together may be the best I can do. I am totally screwing up my job to the point that I am afraid I may lose it. I don't know if I can turn it around at this point and if I lose my job, Paul and I lose everything....Everything. I am tired, but don't want to sleep, I'm not hungry but I just keep eating. I can think of nothing to get excited about...and that is unusual for me. I usually have such passion, at least for the obsession of the moment, and right now I can't think of anything that would make me feel anything. Even if I were pregnant, I can't imagine really even caring. I have also totally screwed up my marriage. Paul has given up everything for me...he works so hard to help with our animal rescue...we have absolutely no time for "us." I just don't care about anything anymore and I see all of the important things in my life slipping away from me...I am very afraid.

No symptoms at all.

Well, here I am at 8 DPO and this month I have absolutely NO symptoms whatsoever. You would have thought that my wonderfully imaginative mind would have created some good ones for me by now. (Hey it always has in the past!) But seriously...I have NOTHING. My temps aren't high and there has been no implantation dip like the month that I was pregnant, no strange dreams, no cramping, nothing. I guess this wasn't our month.  I bought 24 HPT's via e-Bay last week for $15.00! So, I have been using them whenever I want (and I don't even feel guilty about wasting money). I have already used three...one yesterday morning, one last night and one this morning...all negative of course. But it doesn't feel so bad to get all of those negatives when you are only spending about .65 each time. Believe me, the negatives were no surprise...I know this isn't our month...but I just get crazy when those HPT's are around me.

Grrrrrr!

It is cd 17.....and my temps are steady at 97.4! I thought that you were supposed to ovulate early on Clomid. Of course, I would be the exception to that rule! I have had tons of EWCM this cycle and still had it this morning....so I guess I still haven't O'd, despite the positive OPK yesterday. It is getting discouraging....and I am afraid this will throw off our timing. So I am already afraid that this will not be our month.

Ovulation?

All systems go!  It looks like the Clomid is helping me to be text book perfect.  DH has been taking ProXeed (but just started it again last week) so we will see. I am very excited. We were in Indiana for our dalmatian, Darby's gold bead implantation for his wobbler's disease. The veterinarian who performed the procedure teaches veterinarian acupuncture at Purdue and is known throughout the country. People come from all 50 states to have the gold beads implanted at acupuncture points to help with everything ranging from behavior problems to hip displasia and they have gotten amazing results!!! We are very hopeful that this may help him...at least a little. We are so afraid as his neurosurgeon said that there is nothing more that can be done for him. It is so hard to remain enthusiastic about TTC when your heart is dying and you are being torn apart inside. It is horrible to watch your baby (whether the baby be of the two-legged or four-legged type) deteriorate before your eyes. The worst part is knowing that you are unable to do anything for him....he i relying on you to help him and there is nothing that you can do to help him. Even though I would not be considered to be a mother by most....I know with all my heart that I am and how it feels to be a mommy to someone. I pray every night for MY baby.

Gold Beads for Darby

We are leaving this evening to go to Indiana to have gold beads inserted in the acupuncture points around our Dalmatian's spine in an attempt to help his wobbler's disease and to stop the progression thereof. Please say a little prayer for our Darby...that our last hope helps him recover form this awful disease.

My First Cycle of Clomid

Well, I just finished my last day of Clomid (50 mg) yesterday (cd 7). To be honest, I really have had no side effects. I did have three slight hot flashes on cd6, but that was it. I have been worried about the fact that many women have said that Clomid dries up CM. However, I am having more creamy CM than I ever remember having. I am really excited...as I think I may actually O before my usual cd 17 -19. I have heard that Clomid causes you to ovulate earlier, so I am looking forward to that. Paul had a great thought the other day. While he had only been taking ProXeed (the supplement that is claimed to help sperm count and mobility) for about 2 weeks before O the month we got pg, it may have had some affect on his sperm even though it generally takes three months to notice changes in sperm. The reason being that when he had his second vasectomy reversal, Dr. Silber reconnected the vas very very close to the testicle (so that there was really no vas left.) The sperm generally spend months in the vas until they make their way out in the semen. Thus, while it may take men with normal vas 3 months to notice differences in their sperm based on vitamins, etc...it probably doesn't take nearly as long for Paul's swimmers...since they have a shorter journey. It makes perfect sense to me. So, I immediately ordered some more ProXeed. We probably won't receive it in time for this cycle...but we will have it for next cycle and we will see if it works again.