It's Real....

I think I can finally believe it!!! On June 24, 2002 (our 7th Anniversary) we had our 9w0d ultrasound...and there was our little baby, with a beautiful heartbeat...and actually squirming and moving around! I think it is finally true...it is real. We are going to have a baby! Now I am really scared. Gosh, this is a life-changing event...and it is actually frightening sometimes....even after waiting this long and wanting nothing more in the world. I am scared. I am disappointed in myself for feeling that way...I know in my heart it will pass...but something about the finality of really being pregnant and that a baby will be coming is terrifying to me right now. Anyway, despite the periods of fear, I am really happy inside....I am thrilled, I am still in shock and can't believe it really happened to us! We are having a baby....I can't believe it...we're having a baby!!! YIKES!!!

8w3d....In Australia.....and Not Feeling Pregnant at All....

I don't know what to think. After having the bleeding episodes at home and then a third episode last Tuesday here in Australia (it was pretty bad but only lasted about 2 hours) I just can't quite accept the fact that I am pregnant. In fact, I have this horrible feeling that maybe I am not anymore. I know that I HAVE to stay positive....and that even after the bleeding episodes, we saw our baby's heartbeat...twice...and that he or she was growing on target...BUT...it just doesn't feel right yet. I have absolutely no symptoms...other than I have put on about 30 lbs since April 18th!!! Yes, I really have! I am disgusted with myself and the way that I look. I am attributing a lot of the weight gain to the IVF treatment AND to my quitting smoking (I haven't smoked in almost 9 weeks!!!!) as well as just letting myself go and being a glutton for food. I am trying to do better this week and am giving up sweets and sticking to fruit instead. I also started to exercise a bit (walking and jogging slowly) which will help in the long run. Anyway, I wanted to update my journal and note that I oh so want to be able to believe that we have a baby growing and to believe that I really am pregnant. I feel like I am wasting away these days of pregnancy when I should be so very happy and celebrating...shopping and just revelling in the happiness. But I can't yet. I just can't. I am trying to return to the U.S. from Australia early (this Thursday or Friday) provided that my work will allow it. Paul has set up another ultrasound with a different RE at our clinic(our RE is in Africa until July 8th when our next ultrasound is scheduled) just to be sure that everything is okay. Until that time....we will continue to pray to God and thank Him for this blessing.

6w4d Ultrasound

We are still not sure what to think!!! UGH!!! I started bleeding again yesterday pretty badly. I was upset...but figured I would wait for the appointment with the RE today to see what had happened. The bleeding stopped after a bout 5-6 hours. I stayed home from work today and kept my feet up until our appointment. The ultrasound showed a beautiful little beating heart (110 beats per minute) and a little baby measuring 6w4d!!!!! (He/she is almost 7mm today) The RE cannot explain the bleeding, but he did see what appears to be small gestational sack that hadn't been there before that *may* have been a second embryo trying to attach. He said it is possible the bleeding came from that. He said that I am much more at risk to lose this pregnancy than the average woman due to the bleeding that I have had, but that there is nothing that we can do to prevent it if it is going to happen. I am leaving for a 2 week business trip to Australia on Sunday and my doctor will be in Africa (how exotic are we??) until July 8th....so unless something bad happens we will not have another scan until then??? Until then we continue to pray and dream for our little baby who we have wanted for so long.

6w3d...Bleeding Again

Of course, after having no spotting or bleeding or anything all day yesterday, I started bleeding pretty heavily again today at lunchtime. I will just wait for my appointment with the RE tomorrow at 12:30 pm. We'll see what he says. This is getting really hard!

6w1d, Bleeding, ER, and Heartbeat....

Everything had been moving along at a snail's pace it seemed. We were just waiting for our next ultrasound scheduled for this Friday to determine whether there was a growing baby with a heartbeat (at the last ultrasound we just saw a sack and a yolk sack). Then out of the blue last night I felt a gush of something and went to the restroom (my spotting had finally stopped the day before) and there was red red blood. It continued and was quite heavy, so Paul and I headed off to the emergency room assuming we were miscarrying. We were in the emergency room for almost 4 hours. They ran HCG levels (31,039), did a pelvic exam (cervix still closed), an abdominal ultrasound (could just see a shadow) and finally a vaginal ultrasound (where they saw the fetal pole and a fetal heartbeat!) The baby measured 6w1d (even though technically I should be 6w4d) and it gave us a due date of January 27, 2003. The resident said that this could go either way and labeled it a "threatened abortion."  I noticed on the ultrasound picture of the baby that the sack is not round, but is more oblong....which I think I have read somewhere is not a good thing. I asked the resident about it and she didn't know. The nurse then gave me a Rhogam shot (I am 0- and Paul is 0+) in case this was maternal/fetal bleeding??? Today the bleeding is pretty much over (just a little bit of spotting) but the threat of miscarriage is still there in my heart. We will know more on Friday when we have our ultrasound with Dr. Schmidt. As always, if you can find it in your heart, please say a prayer for us.