Where Are You Growing My Little One?

My Darling Baby Boy turned 4 today. Where has the time gone. I am upstairs holding his baby sister and crying because it seems like just yesterday that he was so tiny and in my arms. I love my boy more than anything....and it is bittersweet to watch him grow. I am so proud. He is reading by sounding out words now, can count to 100, can ride a bike, can write his name legibly, is honest and has a loving heart. At the same time I am sad...because my baby is growing away from me and into a little boy.

I feel that he doesn't need me like he used to...and it breaks my heart....but makes me proud at the same time. I love you my sweet four-year-old...I can't believe you have been on this earth for four years....I can't even remember my life before you.

We spent the morning at pre-school with you and watched you carry the globe around the "sun" four times to represent your time on earth...we watched you pass out the cupcakes we made together and loved telling all of your "friends" about you as a baby. We then took you to your favorite restaurant (the Spaghetti Warehouse) and then to Toys R Us to pick out your present from us (you picked out a nice orange "big boy" bike with training wheels). Then we spent the rest of the day at one of your favorite places: Magic Mountain watching you play on the climbing gym and play the electronic games upstairs.

Now it is the evening and the day is over...you are four now sweet boy and we couldn't love you more. Where has the time gone? Where are you growing my little one?
However, you grow, promise me that you will always need your Mommy, at least a little bit now and than. You and your sister are everything to me....I love you my sweet four-year-old. Happy Birthday....thank you for being my baby.

What Are We Doing to Our Boy?

My heart is breaking for Jack. Today his preschool teacher told me that he tried to bite a girl in class and that he acts impulsively and crazy at times. She wants to have a confernece with us to talk about Jack's behavior. I feel terrible because it is not his fault. It is ours.

We have been so stressed out with the new house, remodeling on a deadline, our financial situation, and the new baby. Paul and I have been yelling at each other constantly and we are taking it out on Jack as well. We are under so much pressure and I think that I am suffering from PostPartum Depression.

I never felt this way after I had Jack. I am so on edge and I fly off the handle and yell for the most minor thing. (I found myslef yelling at Jack for spilling milk, for not picking up his toys, etc.) I finally realized that something was wrong with me when my precious boy rode his little scooter over to me, just trying to be near me and I yelled at him telling him to get that scooter away from me. The poor little thing was so afraid of me (I had been so mean the first two weeks after Katie was born her was terrified) that he scootered away from me as fast as he could. My heart broke right then and there. Seeing his little head of hair getting out of there as fast as he could because his Mommy scared him....when all he wanted was a little attention from her. God, it still makes me cry to think of it. I love my son so much....I would do anything for him.....and here I was doing this to him.

So, I swallowed my pride and called my peri and told him that I thought I was going through post partum depression. He prescribed Zoloft and I have been taking it for about 2 weeks now. I think it is starting to help. I hope it is because my sweet boy does not deserve this.

I have also made a promise to myself that I will NOT yell or make comments (no matter how angry I am) toward Paul if Jack is around. This has to be affecting him. Although Paul and I understand that we are going through a very very stressful time with this whole house remodel and a new baby and a home additon, our bickering and yelling is, at best, making Jack think we don't care about each other, and at worst teaching him a terrible lesson on how a marriage should be. I pray that it is not too late. I hope we haven't hurt our sweet boy too much....I love him more than anything....and can't believe that we have done this during the most impressionable period in his life.

Jack...please forgive Mommy & Daddy...we love you so.

First REAL Smile

Yes...at 5 weeks 3 days when I went into the bedroom to pick up baby girl this morning she smiled at me. She looked right into my eyes and smiled. I talked to her and she looked at me and smiled at me while looking into my eyes. I hugged her and talked to her and she smiled at me again. She was so happy and this was the first true social smile she has given us....and it was beautiful. I love my baby girl.

Smitten

What can I say about the first five weeks of having my daughter with me? I am smitten. I open my eyes every morning wondering how this happened. What a miracle it is to have her. She is my sunshine.

Mary Katherine is a very good girl, almost too good. She would almost sleep through the night (from about 10:00 pm until 4:00 am) if I would let her. But I try to wake her when I can because I know how important it is for her to be nursing at night. When I go back to work, that will be one of the only times she will be able to nurse...so if she is in the routine now, it will be easier on all of us!

I can't believe that she is sleeping such long hours, but I am feeding her on demand so if she is hungry, I nurse her...no questions asked.

During the day it is a totally different situation. She is awake a lot and wants to be held ALL of the time. She nurses every few hours but only for 15 minutes or so at a time. (Jack used to nurse for 45-50 minutes at every feeding...so this is a little disturbing to me.)

However, at her one-month check up, she weighed 11 lbs (97%)and was 22" long (80%) so apparently she is getting enough nutrition somehow. The pediatrician said that she may be a more efficient nurser?

The bigger issue is her wanting to be held always. She would prefer to never be put down and she will not sleep more than 15 minutes or so in a crib or bed unless I am lying beside her. It is exhausting, I can't get anything done because one of us has to be holding her all of the time. (though she will sit in a swing and sleep for 30 minutes or so....and has been enjoying the mobile in the crib without crying for 30 minutes or so at a time lately.)

We are starting to get to know each other and develop a relationship. I know that she knows me. She will stop crying as soon as she hears my voice...and I know that she has smiled at times when I have come to rescue her from a dirty diaper or to feed her. She is so content when we change her diaper. She never cries when we change her. She lifts her legs in the air and seems to enjoy it. She also loves baths just like Jack did. I have never seen a baby cry when given a bath because it calms both of mine down...they both love to be in water!

I enjoy every minute that I have with my little Katie. I am bonding with her. She loves to sleep cuddled next to me and wiggle her toes so that she rubs on me...she needs to be close to people and I can't get enough of it. I love my darling daughter.

One Month Old and So In Love!

Mary Katherine....today you are one month old and I am so in love with you. From your sweet little pouty lips to your little puckered eyebrows and dimpled chin....I don't ever want to forget every part of you as it is now....as my sweet baby daughter.

I could not have ever imagined how much I would love you. And now that you are here....I am so afraid of your growing too quickly....of missing something....of forgetting something that you did or how you look right now.

You are our last baby....our only little girl and for some reason time and memories seem to be slipping by so quickly. I am terrified that I am wasting this precious time with you my sweet little angel girl.

I want to remember how you cross your eyes sometimes....and how you smile at me (I don't believe the doctors when they say that babies don't social smile until 6+ weeks....because I see you look right into my eyes and smile!) I want to always hear your little sounds as you nurse, see your little hands clasp each other when you are hungry, feel the soft blond silky little head forever. I can't imagine not having you nestled next to me at night nursing...and cuddling and cooing. You are my last baby my sweetest little girl and I want to savor every second with you and every feeling and sight and sound of you. I just want to stop time right now and have you cuddled next to me as a soft warm infant forever. I so do not want to give you up sweet baby....my last....my girl.

On the other hand....I can't wait to see you grow and every day as you change a little I love you more. MY heart swells when I feel you in my arms and I can't wait to wake up and love you and be with you and see how you have grown and changed.

Your brother loves you so much. He has not the slightest bit of jealousy in his little body. He gives up things that mean so much to him for you, Mary Katherine. This morning, when I teased him and told him that we were going to give you up to another family, he was so upset and cried and said he didn't want any other sister....only you. He loves you so much....it is amazing for a three and a half year old.

Sweet girl, you are my love and looking down at you now lying in my arms, you are the most precious thing. I wish I had more time to enjoy my pregnancy with you and more time to savor ever second of your infancy.....but I hope that you will grow knowing that you are cherished and loved more than any child could ever be loved....and that if I could lock up and save every precious second of your lifetime to hold forever, I would be the happiest Mommy int he world.

I love you my sweet daughter....thank you for coming into our lives two months ago.