This has NEVER happened before!

Here it is...Cycle Day 23...and I have not ovulated. It looks like I am going to have one of the infamous anovulatory cycles, which I have heard so much about. To my knowledge, this has never happened to me before. I am worried that things are going wrong with my hormones.

Coming out of depression and a trip to the RE.....

Okay....after that last incident, (I had TWO false positives and a negative blood test) I literally broke down. I could not stop crying for days and could not work or do anything. Actually, I have been doing a very poor job at work, and frankly, I am beginning to worry about the security of my job. So on Tuesday while I sat in my office and cried for a myriad of reasons, I began calling to find a counsellor to help me. I had to do something...I have been hiding away in my own world for months....my friends don't know if I am still alive and my poor husband and mother probably wish that I wasn't due to the way that I have been treating them. I was fortunate enough to find a counselor who would see me that night....and she was WONDERFUL! Don't get me wrong...things are not great, but I already feel a lot better. Sh believes that I suffer from Seasonal Anxiety Disorder (depression due to not enough melatonin being produced) and that the miscarriage and job stress pushed me over the edge. She encouraged me to talk to my employer and explain the cause of my lack of drive at work and to talk to our RE about helping us conceive which would hopefully take the pressure off Paul & I. I did talk to our personnel director as well as my department manager....I told them both everything and they were very supportive and nice. However, I know when it comes down to it, the only thing that is going to matter are my billable hours which are horrible this year...so I am still worried about my job, but feel like a weight has been lifted off me after telling them. Then yesterday, we went to see our wonderful RE...and what do you think he said? He said that he has no doubt that we will get pregnant...none and that because we got pregnant on our own, he wants to start with timed intercourse cycles! He said that despite Paul's count (5 million with 32% motility) that his sperm getting there is not the problem and that IUI's would probably not be anymore effective than timed cycles. It seems that my progesterone level is the problem. So...next cycle, I start Clomid at 50 mg. I go in or an ultrasound of my follicles on Day 14. Then based on the size of the follicle(s) Paul will give me a shot of Profasi (triggers ovulation in exactly 36 hours) and we BD EXACTLY 36 hours from the time of the shot. Then on day 21, I go in for a progesterone test. He said we will do this for 3 months and then perhaps move on to injectables. Nevertheless, we have HOPE!!!! Do you hear that little Baby to be???

I spoke to soon.

My beta just came back negative and my progesterone level was only 5.6, my lowest ever. I don't understand how I got two positive tests yesterday....and I am not pregnant. I am so confused and slightly (very) heartbroken.  I have to go now...

We may have another miracle!!!!!!

I can hardly think straight....but I have to keep my wits about me until we know for sure. Yesterday (at 8 DPO) I tested with Confirm (I have been testing since 7 DPO....as usual...I am addicted to those things). Well it was negative. I even called Paul at lunchtime to have him check it to see if a line showed up (it took several hours to show up last time I was pregnant) and he said "no, there is no line....wait a minute......*pause*....no, there is no line." Bummer. But when I got home last night and looked at it....there was a line....very very faint, but there was a line! So, I immediately took another test and within an hour, I could see what I thought was the start of a very faint line and within 2 hours, there was definitely a line there. I called my RE and left a message asking to come in for a blood test. Then I couldn't sleep the rest of the night. I took a Clear Blue Easy test a couple of hours later and it was negative. Then this morning, I took another Confirm and it was negative too. So now I am a little nervous. I know what a negative test looks like, and I know what a positive looks like. I am just afraid that there was something wrong...why would I get a negative this morning? (Although I had very little urine...I think I used it all up last night. ) My breasts have been sore since 5 DPO, I have been having mild cramping for 2 days, and have felt slightly ill at times...all of which could be explained by other things. So, I went in for a blood test this morning and by 4:00 pm today (when the beta and progesterone tests come back) I will know for sure. I am so anxious and happy, excited and scared. I am just so afraid to believe that with my age (36) and DH's sperm count (5 million/ml with 32% motility and sperm antibodies) that we may really be pregnant again. Oh please, Oh please let it be true.

Hopeful once again...what is wrong with me??

I really don't know why I keep doing this to myself month after month. Every month, no matter how bad my temps look (and knowing full well how poor our chances are with our sperm counts) I continue to become hopeful at this point in my cycle. I cannot control it (believe me I would if I could since the disappointment is so much worse after becoming hopeful) but here I am at 6 DPO and I am thinking about the tiny baby that may be growing inside me. I guess I just keep rationalizing and thinking...why not? Why can't I be pregnant? We did it before. After a couple of years of trying half-heartedly, (due to finding out that we had no or very few sperm) on our second month of actually charting temps we were pregnant with our very first little baby. I am so sad that we lost her (I think she was a little girl). But now, here I am at 6 DPO and I think (while attempting to avoid these thoughts for fear of jinxing the whole thing) that we may be pregnant again. There is no real reason for these thoughts. I have them every month. Nothing is really different. Every month I have *symptoms* that I am sure indicate that we finally have a little one growing....and every month since the miscarriage in June, I have been wrong.  But every new month, I feel that the symptoms are a little different and that this could be it. Sad, I know...but it makes be happy to *believe* that I might be pregnant again each month. This month, my temps are not very high (in the 97.7 range) but I began to feel breast tenderness at 5 DPO and it continues and has actually gotten worse. I have also been feeling slight cramping/tugging in my abdomen and thought that I felt a little ill yesterday morning. Yes, all of these symptoms have been felt by me before on numerous occasions when I was NOT pregnant....but once again, I feel the hope welling inside me....and I cannot control the feelings that it may be possible this month. *sigh* How long can I do this? We have decided to go to see our RE and move on to IUI's if we are not successful this cycle...so we will try to get an appointment within the next week or two to discuss our next plan of action. But in the meantime...I will continue to be hopeful and pray that we already have a little baby beginning his/her journey into our arms next summer.

Not much hope for this cycle

Just a quick note for the record. I don't hold out much hope for this cycle. My pre-o temps have been erratic to say the least...ranging from 97.4 to 96.7!!! That is not a real good sign. Also, it looks like I may have O'd yesterday (cd 15) or will be Oing today...and that is a little early for me (I usually O between day 16-19). My OPK's were positive both yesterday AND this morning...weird....so I think this cycle is just toally screwed up

Once again....cd 3....we just keep going and going...

Well....once again....another cycle has come and gone with no luck for us. I have been feeling sad about this lately. I look at where I would have been in my pregnancy (I would be about 5 months now!) and it makes me so very sad. DH gets sad when I talk about it too. But, I guess it doesn't do any good to look back and think about "what if"....we have to move forward and worry about what is to come. So.....on to our next cycle...and the hopefulness begins again.

The start of yet another cycle...

I haven't made an entry to this journal for quite a while. I guess I am still not quite up to being excited about TTC again yet. Another unsuccessful cycle has come and gone since I last wrote and I am currently on 1 DPO today. I can't stop myself from being at least a little hopeful each month...but things sure have changed. I guess getting pregnant in May really lifted my spirits and made me believe that we could really do this, despite the odds against us. Now, four months since the miscarriage...I am not so sure any longer. I can't stop thinking that that was our only chance and we ruined it somehow. I know that this is not a rational thought, but I can't stop myself from thinking it. I stopped taking Clomid as it really appeared to upset my cycle more than it seemed to help. Also, what it did to my emotions was awful. I know once we go back to the RE in two months (we are giving ourselves one more cycle after this one before seeking further help) they will start me on Clomid again and I am really dreading it. I just really am hoping so hard that we can get pregnant right away. I just can't take this much longer. I don't know how everyone does it...I just don't know how.

Not Doing Well

I am so angry...I don't really know why. At the same time I am totally depressed. My temperature took a nose dive this morning....so I think that AF is on her way. But that is not the reason I feel the way I do...at least I don't think it is. I can't adequately describe the way I feel. Apathy and anger mixed together may be the best I can do. I am totally screwing up my job to the point that I am afraid I may lose it. I don't know if I can turn it around at this point and if I lose my job, Paul and I lose everything....Everything. I am tired, but don't want to sleep, I'm not hungry but I just keep eating. I can think of nothing to get excited about...and that is unusual for me. I usually have such passion, at least for the obsession of the moment, and right now I can't think of anything that would make me feel anything. Even if I were pregnant, I can't imagine really even caring. I have also totally screwed up my marriage. Paul has given up everything for me...he works so hard to help with our animal rescue...we have absolutely no time for "us." I just don't care about anything anymore and I see all of the important things in my life slipping away from me...I am very afraid.

No symptoms at all.

Well, here I am at 8 DPO and this month I have absolutely NO symptoms whatsoever. You would have thought that my wonderfully imaginative mind would have created some good ones for me by now. (Hey it always has in the past!) But seriously...I have NOTHING. My temps aren't high and there has been no implantation dip like the month that I was pregnant, no strange dreams, no cramping, nothing. I guess this wasn't our month.  I bought 24 HPT's via e-Bay last week for $15.00! So, I have been using them whenever I want (and I don't even feel guilty about wasting money). I have already used three...one yesterday morning, one last night and one this morning...all negative of course. But it doesn't feel so bad to get all of those negatives when you are only spending about .65 each time. Believe me, the negatives were no surprise...I know this isn't our month...but I just get crazy when those HPT's are around me.

Grrrrrr!

It is cd 17.....and my temps are steady at 97.4! I thought that you were supposed to ovulate early on Clomid. Of course, I would be the exception to that rule! I have had tons of EWCM this cycle and still had it this morning....so I guess I still haven't O'd, despite the positive OPK yesterday. It is getting discouraging....and I am afraid this will throw off our timing. So I am already afraid that this will not be our month.

Ovulation?

All systems go!  It looks like the Clomid is helping me to be text book perfect.  DH has been taking ProXeed (but just started it again last week) so we will see. I am very excited. We were in Indiana for our dalmatian, Darby's gold bead implantation for his wobbler's disease. The veterinarian who performed the procedure teaches veterinarian acupuncture at Purdue and is known throughout the country. People come from all 50 states to have the gold beads implanted at acupuncture points to help with everything ranging from behavior problems to hip displasia and they have gotten amazing results!!! We are very hopeful that this may help him...at least a little. We are so afraid as his neurosurgeon said that there is nothing more that can be done for him. It is so hard to remain enthusiastic about TTC when your heart is dying and you are being torn apart inside. It is horrible to watch your baby (whether the baby be of the two-legged or four-legged type) deteriorate before your eyes. The worst part is knowing that you are unable to do anything for him....he i relying on you to help him and there is nothing that you can do to help him. Even though I would not be considered to be a mother by most....I know with all my heart that I am and how it feels to be a mommy to someone. I pray every night for MY baby.

Gold Beads for Darby

We are leaving this evening to go to Indiana to have gold beads inserted in the acupuncture points around our Dalmatian's spine in an attempt to help his wobbler's disease and to stop the progression thereof. Please say a little prayer for our Darby...that our last hope helps him recover form this awful disease.

My First Cycle of Clomid

Well, I just finished my last day of Clomid (50 mg) yesterday (cd 7). To be honest, I really have had no side effects. I did have three slight hot flashes on cd6, but that was it. I have been worried about the fact that many women have said that Clomid dries up CM. However, I am having more creamy CM than I ever remember having. I am really excited...as I think I may actually O before my usual cd 17 -19. I have heard that Clomid causes you to ovulate earlier, so I am looking forward to that. Paul had a great thought the other day. While he had only been taking ProXeed (the supplement that is claimed to help sperm count and mobility) for about 2 weeks before O the month we got pg, it may have had some affect on his sperm even though it generally takes three months to notice changes in sperm. The reason being that when he had his second vasectomy reversal, Dr. Silber reconnected the vas very very close to the testicle (so that there was really no vas left.) The sperm generally spend months in the vas until they make their way out in the semen. Thus, while it may take men with normal vas 3 months to notice differences in their sperm based on vitamins, etc...it probably doesn't take nearly as long for Paul's swimmers...since they have a shorter journey. It makes perfect sense to me. So, I immediately ordered some more ProXeed. We probably won't receive it in time for this cycle...but we will have it for next cycle and we will see if it works again.

A Tribute to our First "Baby"

~DARBY~ Darby, you are much too beautiful for this world. I only wish we could have known how little time we might have with you, our sweet little pup. I would have cherished every little thing that you did and would never have pushed you away or failed to give you all of my attention when I was doing something that I thought was more important. Please know, that despite this, we love your spotted little self with every inch of our souls. You make us laugh when we are sad and have a way of loving us no matter how sad we make you feel. Your wagging little stub of a tail and your big brown eyes....are more special to us than anything that money can buy. Your warm little head and cold nose are the most special things in the world to us. Please don't leave us for another place. We need you here...we need you Darby...please don't go away yet. You are much too beautiful for this world. Love, Mom &; Daddy Dedicated to our first and most special baby Darby O'Dal...our 4 1/2 year old dalmatian who is suffering from cervical vertebral instability ("wobbler's syndrome") and who may never get better. Please God let us have him here with us for a few more years. Please.

Taking Matters Into Our Own Hands!

Despite all of our hope, spawned by a couple of very faint and very early HPT's the wicked and evil AF found me yesterday. The scary thing is that means that my luteal phase last cycle was only 10 days!  My luteal phase is ALWAYS 14 days...always....so I will just attribute the short one to my miscarriage last month and my body trying to get back to normal. I had been instructed to call my RE's nurse on CD 1 so that she could call in a prescription of Clomid for me to start on CD3 for an IUI. However, I figured that since we got pregnant on our own...they probably would want us to try on our own for a while instead of jumping right into IUI's. WRONG!!!! The nurse told me that I was scheduled for an ultrasound at cd 13 to look for developing follicles and for a prometrium (?) shot that same day to bring on O. I asked her if we could slow down and try on our own for a few months...and she said "sure, just save the Clomid until you are ready to go forward." I don't think she understood. I wanted to take the Clomid, but wanted to TTC without IUI's for a few cycles...with the assistance of Clomid. I believe that my RE's office would like us to skip right to IVF/ICSI....they would rather have us get pregnant that way than to do it on our own. I really believe that. Well, we are going to pick up the Clomid tonight and I am going to take it! And if we don't get pregnant on our own with the Clomid, I guess I will have to explain to the nurse what I did at that time (because they will want me to start the Clomid before my IUI and I won't have any left.) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. (oh, I hope I get pregnant and don't have to explain!!!! )

Addicted to Home Pregnancy Tests and negative, negative, negative....

The crazed HPT addict has struck again. After my last post two days ago, I took a First Response HPT, and guess what, there was a very faint line. Wooo Hooo I thought...we did it again, this is AMAZING. We kept checking the two tests I had taken to make sure that there were really lines there...and although they were much much fainter than the ones I saw last month, they were there. Well, after and hour the one on the First Response disappeared completely. I have never had that happen before. I know that I do not have hCG left in my body as I had Betas performed until my level went down to 0. So I took another CVS test the next morning (yesterday) and again got a very very faint 1/2 line. Paul went out immediately and bought more tests...a Confirm and another pack of CVS tests. I took a Confirm that afternoon and it was negative (even after 4 hours). We must have stared at that thing for 3 hours combined time in every light imaginable *trying* to find a hint of a line...and there was nothing.  Then I went on and took another First Response (crazed, am I not) and this one was totally negative. (of course it was) This morning at 10 DPO, my temp dropped to coverline...so I knew nothing good would come of testing today. So what did I do???? I took yet another CVS (uping the anti of HPT's for the weekend to about $60) and it was negative...not even a faint little 1/2 line. I am not pregnant and we are now broke. I will just wait out the last 5 days of my cycle now (AF is due in 5 days) and then I can start Clomid. *sigh* Now I see why everyone says not to test early...

Hmmmm

Well, I was stupid. I took a Confirm test yesterday at 7 DPO...and of course it was negative. DUH....implantation had probably not even occurred. I need to be shot, or chained to a chair, or something. Then last night, I started to feel some heartburn. I noticed heartburn last month about 7-8 DPO and I turned out to be pregnant...so what did I do this morning at 8 DPO? I took a CVS HPT. I really am crazy. However, after getting the negative result (that I totally expected---why did I even take it then, right?) about 20 minutes later there was a hint of a very faint 1/2 line. It is very faint and is only a 1/2 line. So I am not saying anything to anyone. Paul knows as he saw the test this morning and shook his head when he saw the negative result wondering why I keep doing this to myself. But then he noticed the line as well. I am not counting this as a positive, as CVS probably has some sort of an evaporation line or something. But guess what I will be doing tomorrow morning? I am terrified.

Documenting Symptoms

Well, I have been finding myself comparing everything this cycle to the last, when I was pregnant. "When did I first feel pregnant?" When did I first have a triphasic temperature?" "Didn't I have heartburn last month?"...yadda, yadda, yadda. It is obsession at its best. I guess now that I know that we really can conceive on our own, I have become more crazed than ever. So...for future reference, I am going to try to document my symptoms this time...regardless of how insignificant they may seem at the time. *Light cramping/tugging sensation beginning at about 3 DPO *Weird vivid dreams 3 DPO. *Very sore breasts starting at 3DPO. Veins becoming more visible at 5DPO. *Feeling colder than normal. *Left knee pain when I bend it (I know that I had this last month when I was pregnant. I have read that increased progesterone can cause a loss of the fluid in the joints.) *Emotional (Huge crying fight with DH 5DPO, then cried on the way to work at 6DPO because I think I need an eye lift and DH not supportive.) *Bloating--6DPO *Possible light nausea evening 6DPO. Well that's about it.  Crazy, huh? Yes, these *symptoms* are probably all in my head...the odds are in favor of that. But just let me have a little fun and feel hopeful for a few days, okay?

Strange Hamster Dream....

Well, I am officially now 4 DPO and I have the sorest breasts! I have sore breasts after Ovulation occasionally and didn't have sore breasts this early when I was pregnant, so I will not place too much stock in that "symptom." Other than that, I have no symptoms, unless you call very strange dreams a symptom! At 2DPO, I had at three totally different dreams and I do remember reminding myself to remember them, as they were very moving and vivid. I woke up after each one and thought to myself how odd the dreams were. I wanted to tell Paul about them when I woke up. When I finally did get up the next morning, wouldn't you know it, I couldn't remember the three dreams! Then last night, I had a dream...and I do remember it...so I wanted to document it here, as I found it very odd and somewhat disturbing. I dreamed that Paul and I had two little hamsters (which we don't) and we knew that one (a black and white spotted one????) was not able to have babies...so we had spent the day at the pet shop looking at mother hamsters that were pregnant and picking which one we wanted to be the mother of our future baby hamster. (Now, as an animal rescue person, I in no way agree with the breeding of animals--Spay or Neuter your pets!!!--but for some reason Paul and I were interested in breeding our hamster in my dream). After choosing the perfect hamster to be the mother of our baby hamster (and agreeing to come back for a baby when they were born), we went home and I was laying on the bed and saw our hamster (the B&W one) running across our bedroom floor and she stopped and struggled for a moment and a little baby hamster was there beneath her. She continued to move around and have babies all over our bedroom (7 in all). I was screaming for Paul and he was helping me bring them to life, as the mom hamster was pretty much leaving them after she had them. The dream went on for a while longer...but that is the gist of it.  Weird huh?

Ovulation and Progesterone

FINALLY! After much anticipation, I have finally ovulated! This has been quite a suspenseful cycle so far. (Probably because it is my first cycle since my miscarriage.)  I had a positive OPK on cd 17, and I usually get a temp rise the day after a positive OPK...but on cd 18, my temp stayed low. Then, much to my relief, I arose this morning to a nice temp jump from 97.4 to 97.9. Whew...I think I finally O'd this cycle. We can now rest and relax. Sometimes it feels like a major nerve-wrecking, on the edge, competition...waiting, timing, ...and then O happens and it is as if all of the pressure is suddenly lifted. At least that is the way I feel. The two week wait doesn't stress me out nearly as bad as the first half of my cycle. I just sit back and watch what happens. Sure, I obsess with the best of them...but it is so nice to know that I don't have to do anything...I don't have any control...so I can just sit back and settle in for the ride. Which brings me to the real topic of this entry. Progesterone. I don't know what to do. Last cycle (before I found out I was pregnant) my blood test showed low progesterone. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I called our RE and at my request he prescribed progesterone, though he said it was not necessary. He said that low progesterone is not the reason for miscarriage, but rather an indication that the ovulation and/or pregnancy was not right to begin with. I have confirmed this analysis on a number of website. However, there are so many women who are positive that progesterone supplementation save their pregnancies. So hear I sit, one day post O, trying to determine whether I should go ahead and start progesterone supplements, just in case. One reason that I don't want to is because if you do this too often, it can cause anovulatory cycles (as the progesterone builds up in your system) and we don't really know for sure that it is safe for the baby...and why take it if not necessary. (It's really messy and gross too). But...if it could prevent another miscarriage, it would certainly be worth the risk and the mess. I just don't know what to do. I have been taking a B complex to help my body produce its own progesterone. I will have to keep contemplating this one...I have a day or two to make up my mind, as they suggest that supplementation begin at 3 dpo.

Call us crazy but....

We are going to try again...the first cycle after the miscarriage.  I know, I know...a lot of the doctors say that you should wait at least one cycle before trying to conceive again....but it is just so hard to do that after finally achieving pregnancy. We also have concerns that this might take us a long time to conceive again (if ever). Paul's sperm counts are very very poor (5 million/ml, 38% motility, and antibodies to his own sperm to boot!). It was a miracle that we conceived on our own int he first place...so it is probably unlikely that we can do it again. Our RE has decided that I will start Clomid on my next cycle, as during my fertility blood work, my progesterone came back at 8.0 at 8 dpo last month (unbeknown to anyone I was pregnant that month ) and that is not very good. However, the RE felt that rather than jumping to the conclusion that I had low progesterone, that it should be viewed as an indication of a "poor ovulation". I did some research and found evidence to support this theory. (and I did miscarry that pregnancy) The Clomid is supposed to help to produce a better ovulation. However, the RE wouldn't give it to me this cycle so I am a little afraid that it will happen again. When Paul called and asked them for Clomid for this cycle, the nurse told us that this was not a "period" that I was having, that it was a "miscarriage" and that we had to wait at least one cycle before trying again. She went on to say that after I have a normal period, she is sure that the doctor would "let us try next cycle." EXCUSE ME!!!!  He will LET us try next cycle. I am not even going to go into that right now. Anyway, I am on cycle day 18 of this cycle (if you count the first day of my miscarriage as cd1). I got a positive OPK yesterday morning and we BD last night. My temperature still hasn't risen yet...so we will see.

Update....we did it....but we had a miscarriage.

Things have been happening so fast since I last wrote and there have been so many different emotions...I don't even know where to start. I think that the last time that I wrote, we had just received the results of Paul's mail-order semen analysis. The count and motility were very poor. We were not totally surprised by this, as Paul had two vasectomy reversals and he had never gotten a good count since the surgeries (but hey... there were sperm there and I figured the numbers would continue to increase...which they didn't). Anyway, we had our first RE's appointment and it was so awful I felt like throwing in the towel for good. He basically spent the full hour telling us how many things could go wrong (primarily due to my age) if we ever did get pregnant and then told us in no uncertain terms that IUI's would not work for us due to Paul's low sperm count and that more than likely IVF would not work. He told us that our only option was IVF with ICSI (single sperm injected into the egg) and tehn proceeded to tell us that because this procedure has only been around for abut 8 years there was no proof that the children born of this procedure wouldn't have problems down the road. Needless to say, I wanted to give up when we walked out of the office and cried to two days. Fortunately, Paul had us transferred to a different RE within the practice and we met with him and he gave us much more hope and we were excited again! People in positions of authority can certainly influence your feelings and decisions. It's awful. I am not a weak woman...but that horrible man certainly managed to change my outlook on ttc within an hour! Anyway, AF came on May 17th and I ovulated late (cd 1 DH had another SA done after O and I had my progesterone (and other blood tests) done at 8 dpo. The nurse called and said that my progesterone at 8dpo was only 8.0 and that this indicated a "poor" ovulation. She said that I clearly did ovulate, but it wasn't as good an ovulation as they would have liked to have seen, so they wanted me to start Clomid on cd3 of my next cycle. I asked her if I should start taking progesterone supplements, just in case I was pregnant (fat chance huh?) and she said not worry about it that we would jut try the Clomid next cycle and see if that would help. Despite the fact that I had absolutely no signs of pregnancy and had virtually NO chance of conceiving based on Paul's SA, I went ahead and took a pregnancy test on Friday, May 16th at about 2:00 am when I got home from work. (I was burning the midnight oil!) Negative. So I threw it in the trash and went to sleep. We got up at 6:00 am the next morning (had to work all day at a dog festival) and I don't know why, but I pulled out that Confirm test that I had thrown in the trash...and there it was a second line!!!!! I can't tell you how I felt. I had never seen a second line before...and I knew in my heart that there was no reason that I should be seeing one that day. We had less than 5 million sperm per cc to work with and low motility on top of that, it just wasn't possible. So I took another test, and then another and another. That weekend, I took 8 HPTs and all were faintly positive. I called the RE's emergency line and the doctor on call ordered my progesterone supplements due to my low progesterone at 8 dpo (even though he said that they were not necessary). I started them on Saturday evening...and I was the happiest person on earth. Paul was pretty thrilled too! I can't tell you what a wonderful weekend we had. I had my Beta on Monday and everything looked good...at 14 dpo, my hCG level was 125.4. We also received the results of Paul's second SA. This one showed 5 million sperm per cc with 38% motility. His count had gotten a little worse, but his motility had improved (but still below normal). However, the new development was the results of his sperm antibody test....it showed that Paul has antibodies to his own sperm...meaning that his body recognizes his perm as foreign...and destroys 52% of whatever he produces. Seeing this made us (as well as our nurse) realize how very special this pregnancy was....our very own little miracle!!!! I had a second Beta on Wednesday...and that is when we knew things weren't going as planed, as my hCG was only 137 (it should have doubled by then). At that point we figured that I was going to miscarry....so the grieving began. I was just hoping that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, but poor Paul would not give up on this baby. He became so upset if I even tried to prepare myself and him by recognizing that I was probably going to miscarry this baby. I had a couple more hCG

*sniff* Results Are In *sniff*

Well..yesterday, I was so excited. Fertility Friend indicated a possible Triphasic Pattern in my chart on CD #24. I was floating. I thought..OMG, this is it! (paying no attention, of course to the warning that FF is careful to give noting that all triphasic temperature patterns do not result in a pregnancy.) I just KNEW I was Pregnant. I didn't have long to feel euphoric, however. By 10:00am, the doctor from DH's mail-in SA called to give us the results of the test. Six million with 10% motility.  Yes, that means that there is almost no way that we can get pregnant on our own. He suggested 4 IUI's and then ICSI (which really isn't an option due to cost). Didn't he know that I had really thought that I was pg right now and he just ruined it? Why did he have to call? I know I should never have gotten my hopes up and that I should have expected a result like this (especially since DH has been through 2 vasectomies 20 years ago, and two reversals since.) I guess the fact that the last SA done over a year ago indicated a count of 13,000,000...I thought it may have gone way up since then. How stupid of me to get my hopes up like that. My temperature was still up this morning, but I am feeling crampy which could mean that AF may be here soon. This is what kills me...although I KNOW that there is almost NO WAY that I can be pregnant...my heart keeps hanging on to the hope that *maybe* just *maybe* there was a mistake with the SA, or that a miracle has occurred (*stop that*)...I can't help it...I still keep thinking *maybe*...STOP IT!

Blissfully Hopeful

Well....after spending every waking second looking for any possible symptom of pregnancy, I finally found one late last night. Yay!!!! I have breast tenderness!  Not much to hang my hat on, I know, but I was getting a little desperate....and really just trying to find even the slightest *hint* of something different this month that would give me something to hope for. So, ha...I am going to be looney. I don't care if I am disappointed later, all that I know is that right now I am hopeful, happy, and excited. (check back with me @ May 19th and see if I still feel the same way!  ) I do not usually have soreness around AF, but I will admit that there have been months when I have had breast tenderness right before AF. I also have had mild *cramping* sensations for the last two nights in a row. Cramping is not really a good word for the way this feels, it is more like a dull tension in my lower abdomen, a sensation that I sometimes feel hours before AF arrives. (and AF is not due for 7-8 more days...so she would be very early this month if she comes today.) DH, after having a major fit about it, decided to do the at-home-semen-analysis after work, and then run it to one of the Federal Express drop boxes before pick up (that is what the directions say to do.) We should receive the results in a bout a week. But probably not before our first RE appointment next Tuesday. (Which is also my predetermined early test day!) I am testing on 14 DPO (the day of or the day before AF is due). I know it is early and that I will most likely get a negative result, but I wanted to test before the RE appointment just in case it is positive... On another *positive* note (excuse the pun), I think I may have noticed a little improvement in our Dalmatian's motor control of his right side. He goes back to Michigan tomorrow for a re-evaluation and to have his 30 staples removed. We just keep loving him and praying for a full recovery. He is our FIRST *baby*.

**Test Kit Arrived**

It is pretty warm here in Ohio..82 degrees, so we turned on the air conditioner for the first time this year. DH's home semen analysis kit finally arrived on Friday and we weren't home when it came, so my mother (who lives with us) brought it in..ugh. My mom is very private about sexuality and normal human bodily functions...the type of person who gets embarrassed when she hears a toilet flush...so the arrival of a package from "sperm confirm.com" was not a good thing. Fortunately, the outer packaging gave no clue as to what was inside. The problem now is...when to do it. It requires that you do it Monday through Thursday. You have to collect the sample in the afternoon, add a preservative and get it into an airmail box within 2 hours. DH was on vacation all week, so we were hoping it would come before Thursday. Now we have to figure out a way for him to do this since he will be working next week. We don't know what he is going to do! I suggested that he use the men's restroom....and he looked at me like I was CRAZY!  Anyway...I will let you know what he ends up doing. On a very sad note...we just brought our sweet little dalmatian, Darby, home from a neurosurgery center in Michigan. He had a disease called "wobblers" and, though we tried to treat it medically for over a year, he ended up requiring spinal cord surgery. He was having very horrible pains in his neck and front legs due to the fact that some of the discs in his neck were compressing his spinal cord and the nerves running to it. We had a wonderful neurosurgeon (the best in the country) and the surgery was 5 1/2 hours long and was very difficult. Darby stayed in the hospital there for almost two weeks. The sad part is when he came home on Friday, he looked terrible...a 9" cut down the back of his neck...and he clearly has neurological deficits in his right rear and right front legs. We don't know if this will resolve with time...the vet gave him a prognosis of guarded to fair for full recovery of his ability to control his movements on his right side. I just cried and cried when I saw our little spotted boy trying to walk. Poor Darby has been through so much in his short 4 years on earth. We rescued him from a man who called my law firm to see if it was legal to shoot a dog within the city limits. Since then he has had to have his tail docked (as it had been broken by this man) and had two knee surgeries. Please say a little prayer for our spotted angel. With respect to TTC...I am on 5 DPO, and thought I had a very *little* bit of a *sick* feeling in my stomach..and a little light-headed yesterday. I probably imagined it, as it was way too early for that, and I have had no other symptoms. So, I have to be content to just sit and wait for the 16th of May (my predetermined test date (14 DPO) and the day of our first RE appointment.

**I don't feel any different**

Well, I got my coverline on Fertility Friend today, and as I thought, I O'd on CD#16 (May 2nd). Although I am pretty sure that I really O'd sometime after midnight that day, as I was still at work (trying to make up for all of the time I spend playing on the computer during work hours) and I began feeling fairly sharp pains on my right side. So, the correct O date should really probably be early early morning of CD#17. Anyway, enough of the boring cycle stuff! I have absolutely NO symptoms. I read about other people feeling different, or knowing that they are pregnant on the day they conceive. Unfortunately, I feel nothing at all. Last Friday, I ordered a home semen analysis kit for DH. You send the sample in and they analyze it and mail the results to your home. DH hasn't had an SA since December of 1998 (13,000,000--very low) since you have to get a referral from a doctor and then the doctor has to give you the results. Frankly, we were so disappointed after spending over $15,000 on DH's last reversal and getting such a low count over a year later, that we (I?) just didn't care anymore. But for some reason all of a sudden I became hopeful again. There was no real reason for this wave of hopefulness. Perhaps it can be explained by 36th birthday in March (*tick* *tick* ) or by the fact that one of my friends and now my baby sister (34) just got pregnant. Who knows...but I am very hopeful that in the year and a half since the last SA, DH's counts have gone WAY up. (Yeah right! ) Stranger things have happened. So we are waiting for the send-away-spermie-tester to arrive. We also had an appointment with our family physician regarding ttc and after informing her of our *issues*, she gave us a referral to an RE. The appointment is scheduled for May 16th. I am a little bummed as the RE turns out to be a man...and I don't like the idea of a man examining me. This is also my first month of temping. I am using the 30-day free trial of fertility friend. I LOVE IT! It is so fun! DH is even excited about it and wakes up when the alarm goes off (I sleep right through it) and says, "Honey..get up and take your temperature." Too cute! Despite the slim possibility that DH is even making enough sperm to fertilize an egg, I am very hopeful. (A few pregnancy symptoms would help a lot right now, though!) The way I figure it...my period is due on the 16th or the 17th of May, and our RE appointment is on the 16th. So...against all good advice...I WILL TEST EARLY. Assuming that AF doesn't arrive early, I plan to test on the morning of the 16th (14 DPO) ..and then if positive..the RE can do a blood test. Again, I know this is a long shot, but it is fun to hope and plan, right?

All is Good...No Real Pressure...

Well...it is 1:00 am on April 30th, and DH is sleeping peacefully beside me with our big doberman boy lying at the foot of our bed (taking all of the room, needless to say). AF did arrive this month on April 17th which meant I had a 31 day cycle. I have started temping...and am having a ball doing it. I guess because we have just started to really try to have a little baby....I don't yet feel the pressure or agony of not being able to do so. (Check back in 6 months....I bet I will have a totally different attitude.) But right now, I feel very blessed, and am enjoying trying. I have a wonderful DH. Even though his children are adults and on their own...he is excited about starting over with a new baby. He is very involved in the whole process...and I realize how lucky I am to have his support. I have been using OPK's daily since cycle day 11 with negative results. I am not sure if they are working or not. I have read that they can be unreliable...but we will see. If I do really have a 31 day cycle...i think I should O on day 16 or 17 (which would be May 2nd or 3rd). Okay....maybe I am already starting to obsess...but I am keeping a good attitude so far...hang on for the ride!