New Year's Eve--36w1d--Big Boy!

The close of 2002 is here....on to 2003. This is our last year as a couple...next year...probably next month...we will be a family of three!!! I can't believe, even to this day, that we are having a baby. It has been a long struggle, it is hard to believe that our dream is coming true! Hello 2003, Hello Jack...Hello!!! We had our 36 week appointment today. The internal exam showed no dilation (of course)..but he said things were progressing as expected. We gave Dr. Samuels our Birth Plan and he was fairly receptive to it. I am not sure whether I want to go through all of the trouble of trying to switch to a midwife at this point in our pregnancy. Last week I would have said yes....today...no. Dr. Samuels was okay at today's appointment. I don't know! Our ultrasound showed that Jack weighs @ 6lbs 13 oz (almost 7 lbs with 4 weeks to go!!!) Also it showed that his head measures 39 weeks!!! Yikes!!! and his feet measured 38 weeks (the tech said that means he will be tall!) During the ultrasound we saw Jack opening and closing his mouth very clearly like he was sucking on something...how cute! We got some cute pictures of his face...and one that Paul thinks looks just like him when he is sleeping!!! I hope Jack looks like Paul. I can't wait to meet the little guy. Happy New Year!!! Welcome 2003!!! Welcome Jack!!! ~35 Weeks 3 Days~

34w2d....Getting Closer...Getting Scared....

We had our doctor's appointment yesterday. He said I was measuring 35 weeks (so about a week ahead). He said that Jack is vertex (with his head down) YAY!!! My next appointment is scheduled for December 31st at which time we will get an ultrasound to see how big Jack is before I deliver. Then we go every week after that!!! I cried on the way home from the doctor's appointment. Our doctor is kind of an idiot (even though he is supposed to be a high risk doctor). Okay...he is a BIG idiot. All that he wants to do is joke and talk about things unrelated to the baby or this pregnancy. He talks about his computer, his travels, my job, Paul's interviews, etc. He also is always joking and talks so fast we can barely get a word in when we have a question. It is really upsetting!!! I am sooo hoping that he is not the doctor that delivers Jack...as I really do not like him at all. I think another reason for crying on the way home from our appointment is because I am scared about having a baby. Not about the actual birth, but more about the way that it will change our lives. I guess the loss of the person I am or was, and the couple that Paul and I are together is what is scaring me. I have been having a lot of anxiety dreams at night and I cannot sleep because of them. They never involve this pregnancy or Jack (they are always anxiety about a sick animal, or something at work, or something that I have to do) but I know they are an expression of anxiety about becoming a "mother." I know that having Jack is what we have waited so long for...but it is still scary...and sad to be saying goodbye forever to that part of our lives when it was just us. It is so final....and now the end is in sight and it is scary...

33w0d Feeling *Different*

Over the last seven days, I have really GROWN!!! It seems that my stomach is sticking out so much farther than before...but I don't think I have gained more than a pound since my last doctor's visit at 30 weeks. I am also feeling a lot less comfortable. It feels like the sides of my stomach are stretching out....and it only feels better when I push the sides in a bit. I can't breath very well and am getting tired from the merest activity. I so want to continue walking, but the weather has gotten so cold...and I just don't know if I could still walk the 2-3 miles that I was walking. I just don't feel "peppy" like I did earlier in this pregnancy. I hope this is normal. I can certainly deal with it for little Jack...but things are definitely feeling *different* lately. On a happier note, I had my shower last weekend. We were blessed with so much for this little boy!!! We received our stroller and car seat combo, our bedding set and the mobile (all from my Mom), a Pack N Play, lots of cloths, bedding, a rocking chair for the baby, a rocking horse, safety kits, stuffed animals, blankets, little snow suits, a John Lennon Play Gym, crib lights, socks, bottles, two bouncy seats, more than I can even remember!!! WOW!!! It was amazing. My two friends, the hosts, really outdid themselves with baked Brie, wine, assorted soft drinks, vegetable platters, a lovely chocolate raspberry cake, Parmesan pull-apart bread, a variety of cheeses and dips, crackers, spinach dip and pumpernickel bread, deviled eggs....I couldn't stop eating! Then they had a lovely flower arrangement (that I got to take home) and they passed out beautiful favors to each of the 22 guests: little rhinestone edged frames with small versions of classic children's book pages inside (i.e., The Runaway Bunny, Pooh, Beatrice Potter, etc.) The guests just LOVED them! (I was lucky to get one for myself). I couldn't have planned a better shower! I am so lucky!!! ~Thirty Three Weeks~

*First Snow of the Season*

I woke up this morning to a beautiful white world. It was spectacular. There was just about 2 inches of snow that appeared over night, but what a wonderful world it created this morning. I can't believe that I have been pregnant all summer and fall and now wintertime has come. Everything seems so beautiful with little Jack on the way.

30w1d Getting Excited!

I had my OB appointment today. I have been feeling little Jack move so much lately. I am feeling great (other than a bit of nausea in the evenings). I gained another 2 pounds (for a total of 42 pounds...only 4 of which have been gained since my 10th week!) Despite this gain (again most of which I attribute to quitting smoking) I have been told that I don't look that big for how far along that I am...Paul disagrees. We saw little Jack via ultrasound today. He is cute. The tech said he had his little hands down between his legs and that this is very common for BOY babies (not for girls!) Silly little boy! They told us Jack weighs about 3lbs 8 oz and that he is in the 60th percentile. We are starting to get his room ready. I don't know how we are going to afford everything we need! (Our shower is on December 7th so that may help a bit!!!) We picked out a beautiful (but not terribly expensive) cherry crib, dresser, & armoire for his room. Paul has painted the entire room white and will be adding cream stripes on the bottom half of the room with a border to separate the striped half of the room from the white portion. (Our bedding is a beautiful ecru color and we intend to decorate the room with old fashioned toys and teddy bears.) My next appointment is not until December 17th!!! I will be 34 weeks by then. I have another appointment on December 31st (at which time I will be 36 weeks)...and then it is just a matter of weeks until Jack is here! I can't believe this is happening...I can't believe he is coming. We are so very very lucky. I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful husband (who will stay home with our baby) and a little baby on the way...and a great Mom who lives with us. Whooo Hooo...I am blessed!!!!! ~Twenty Nine Weeks~

27w4d--Las Vegas Trip

We got home last night from a 5 day trip to Las Vegas. We had a blast. We are completely broke...but what a GREAT time! I had a 3 day seminar for work, so Paul decided to come along for the fun. We used some of my frequent flyer miles for the plane ticket and my room was paid for by my company, so he basically went for free. We stayed in the Golden Nugget which is downtown as opposed to the "strip." It was actually a lovely hotel. And there were a lot of smaller casinos in our area that were less intimidating than the big ones on the strip, so we were able to gamble a bit without being "experts." We arrived Saturday night, and spent a little time gambling. We bought some cards and a Black Jack card...and then practiced Black Jack in our room for the rest of the night. We gambled on Sunday. For the rest of the time we were there, I had classes all day. Paul spent his days walking around, watching other people and gambling. We spent the evenings together at the casinos. It was so fun. One night we found a little teddy-bear making shop and made a special teddy bear fro little Jack. It is such a cute little old-fashioned bear. We each chose a little felt heart and made wishes on them and placed them inside the Teddy. This will be Jack's most special bear from his Mom and Dad. It was so nice to be away alone with Paul. We haven't had a vacation together in over 5 years! I love him so much. We had a great time. Oh, and I DO NOT have gestational diabetes!!!! Yay!!!!

26w 2d Gestational Diabetes?

Well, I had the one hour glucose test yesterday. I figured that I would pass with flying colors, as I fasted all morning and afternoon (the test was at 2:00pm). Then the dreaded stick of the finger and a reading of 165!!! (it should be below 140). So, now I have to take the 3 hour glucose test this Friday. I have a feeling that my prolonged fasting may have done more harm than good and actually caused a false positive on the one hour test. I hope that is the case, as it appears that Gestational Diabetes can be very dangerous to little Jack. It often results in the death of the baby in the later third trimester. Needless to say....I pray I do not have this condition!!! I worry that eating a lot of candy and other sweets during the last three weeks or so (all of a sudden my sweet tooth kicked in) may have caused this. I should know more by Friday. Poor little Jack....already, I am not a very good Mom to him. Other than failing the test, everything else was fine (although I gained 3 pounds in four weeks!!!!) We heard Jack's little heartbeat. Hope all is well in there with the little guy! It scares me to think that something could happen to him...I was just starting to feel confident that he would be joining us soon. ~Twenty Five Weeks~

23w2d...I am so lucky!!!!

I still am in awe. I feel little Jack move more and more now. I just can't believe it. I absolutely love being pregnant. I don't really want it to ever end. It seems after all of the waiting, and trying and hoping and praying....once we finally got pregnant, time is going too quickly! My stomach is really starting to stick out now (finally)...but since my initial 38lb gain during the first 5 weeks, I haven't gained a pound (thank goodness). I just wanted to note how happy I am .... with my husband, this pregnancy...and just everything. I love being pregnant...I am so happy and so very lucky!!!

22w2d John Paul (Jack) it is!!!!

I can't believe we have a little boy! Yep!! Yesterday we had another ultrasound, and it was confirmed....we have a beautiful little bouncing baby boy. I am sooo happy. While I would have loved to have a girl...if the doctor would have told me at this scan that he was wrong the first time...and that this baby was a girl, I would have been disappointed. I have grown to know this little bean as a little boy...and that is exactly what he is! His name will be: John Paul Butler Carson and we will call him Jack. I love him and can feel him moving every day. I thought it was his feet kicking down there, but I was informed that it is his head moving around! We also learned that Jack's brain is measuring ahead of schedule (he is going to be smart!!!) and that he weighs 1lb 1oz!!! We told my Mom that it has been confirmed and she is very excited too. This will be the very first little boy anyone on our side of the family has had!!! Sometimes, I still can't believe I am pregnant. I feel so lucky and wonder what I did to deserve this...it feels like a dream. I still get sick at night...but I love being pregnant...I love this baby.

20w0d...Walking...and Feeling Some Movement!

Things have been moving right along with this pregnancy. Sometimes, I am in awe that it is really true. I can't believe that I am pregnant. I just can't believe it. Life moves on...and I am pregnant. It is just too amazing. I am so thankful. I still have morning sickness each evening. (I am doing well in the mornings and early afternoons (just a little nausea) but by 3:00-4:00 pm, I start to feel sick again...and by evening...YUCK!!! I am forcing myself to take a walk every day, however. I was giving in to the sickness and going to sleep at about 6:30 each night. Now, Paul and I take a 2 mile walk each night (whew it wears me out, I am so out of shape!!!) Hopefully, I will be able to get myself back into shape (I gained so much weight trying to get pregnant and when I quit smoking but I haven't gained a pound since I was 4 weeks pregnant!!!) I have been feeling the little peanut kicking for about a week or so now. I wasn't sure about it at first...but now, I feel the little sensations about every day and I know it is the baby. It is really neat. I can't believe I am pregnant. I am so happy.  ~Twenty Weeks~

I LOVE My Husband So Much....

I can't tell you exactly why I love Paul so much....it is just everything about him. He just had surgery on his lip to remove a little discolored mole and he has a few stitches and his lip is swollen and it makes him look so cute. He has a big head and a cute neck when he bends his head over when he is worrying. He is afraid because he lost his job with the University after 24 years when they closed his department. Everything will be okay, but it is really bothering him and it breaks my heart. I am so lucky to have him as my husband. From his ruffled black hair, his brown eyes, his dimples, to his great hands....I love every bit of him. I do. Our little baby is going to be so lucky to have Paul as his daddy. I am so lucky to be his wife.

17w1d...It's a...........

We don't know for sure yet. It was a little early to tell. We saw all of baby's pieces and parts and everything measured right on....except the feet...the feet measured 16w4d. This means baby has Daddy's feet as Daddy has small feet. Everything looked perfect. The doctor came in after the tech finished and tried one more time to find the boy/girl parts...and said, "Is that the cord...no...hmmm....that looks pretty wienerish to me." I can't believe he said that! But he said not to buy anything blue yet...but that he would say that we have about a 75% of this baby being a little boy. I am happy. I now want a little boy...Paul and a little boy...perfect. We won't know for sure until my next ultrasound in 5 weeks....but I had a feeling this was a little boy in there. I am really becoming excited about the little guy with his Daddy's feet. (We got an ultrasound picture of the little foot).

17wOd..Time is flying!!

I don't have a lot to report since my last post, except that the spotting stopped, I have been soooo sick....and I sometimes forget that I am pregnant. You see, I don't feel pregnant at all. After the 35lbs that I gained in the first four weeks of this pregnancy (from quitting smoking and the infertility medications) I haven't gained an ounce. Actually I have lost a few pounds. I am okay with that as the 35lbs that I gained make up for it. Some days I look like my stomach is sticking out a bit, and other days, it looks pretty flat again. I don't look pregnant at all most days...just like I have gained 35 lbs....and that is depressing...but I will live with it. (I have been wearing maternity clothes for about two weeks...trying to look pregnant...but it really doesn't work.) I just can't believe that I am pregnant!!! I don't feel any differently (other than the constant morning sickness). I do get so sick in the evenings that all that I can do is take a nausea pill and then sleep for the rest of the night. I thought this would end soon...but it has been about 6 weeks now...and there is no end in sight. We have our doctor's appointment and an ultrasound tomorrow. Dr. Samuels said we may be able to find out the sex if the baby cooperates. I so hope so...then maybe this pregnancy will seem more real. I thought that I wanted a girl...but now I am thinking it would be nice to have a little boy. It would be great for Paul to have another "man" in the house to play sports with and watch television together. Sometimes, I think poor little Paul feels so overwhelmed living with me and my Mother. Too many hormones in one house. (The other day in reference to me saying I wanted a girl Paul said, "That's all I need another one sitting in a chair and telling me what to do.") He needs an ally. Hopefully we will know tomorrow!

15w3d--Nurses, Bleeding Again, Medicine....Sick!!

I have said it before...and it looks like I am going to have reason to say it again and again...."Nothing is going to be easy in this pregnancy!" That's okay....I'll take it all as long as we have a healthy baby in the end...but I am a little worried! I got back from Australia (hopefully my last trip!) on July 25th. On the way home, my husband and I called my doctor and finally he called in a prescription for the morning sickness for me. Even with the medication, I stayed home from work on Friday because I was sooo sick. (The 30 hour trip back with constant morning sickness was no fun, I can tell you that!) I was sick on and off all weekend...and then on Sunday morning I had a horrible gush of blood and then spotting for the rest of the day. I was still so sick. I stayed home from work on Monday and called my doctor who told me to come in for an ultrasound. I almost passed out at the doctor's office and ended up getting sick there. I wasn't able to eat or drink anything for two days. We saw the baby via ultrasound and s/he was doing well, kicking and squirming. We also saw what appeared to be a placental tear...and a large clot of blood around the placenta. The doctor said he was concerned, but not overly concerned and told me that I was now at much greater risk for preterm labor. My doctor also ordered a home health care nurse to visit me at home where she administered two bags of intravenous fluids and started me on a Reglan pump for the morning sickness as the pills were not working. So I have been living with a needle in my leg and a little pump attached to me that pumps Reglan into me throughout the day. I am feeling a lot better, though. I still have some pretty bad waves of nausea, but I am not vomiting like I was. I am unable to eat regular food and have to settle for nibbling on carbs throughout the day. No protein or dairy is allowed yet as that caused nausea. I am still spotting...but it is pretty much stopped. For goodness sake....I hope this is the last of the scares for a long time. To top it all off, yesterday I came down with a bad cold (unless this is some sort of other pregnancy symptom that I have now gotten) and I have been so congested. I am on regular Sudafed (as per my doctor) and it helps a little but I am still pretty sick.  But we have a little munchkin growing and that makes everything so worth it.

13w1d...In Australia Again...and Soooo Sick!

This little baby has been to Australia three times already and s/he isn't even born yet!!! I am in Melbourne for work again...hopefully for the last time. It is so hard to be away from home, from Paul....especially just a day after losing Louie our angel kitty. Gosh how I loved that cat. Words cannot express the void in my heart without him. I have been so sick. Everything I eat makes me sick. Thinking about food makes me sick...but if I don't eat I also feel sick. I feel gross all of the time and I am throwing up every day now. Paul says this must mean we are having a girl. We had our first appointment with out OB, Dr. Sammuels He is wonderful and so nice. He is a high risk OB due to my age and previous miscarriage...so it is nice to be in the care of a specialist. We had our first prenatal tests done last week (nuchal fold for Downs and Trisomy 18 and a blood test to determine if I am a Cystic Fibrosis carrier.) We should know the results this week sometime. I hope everything is okay in there. I still can't help but feel something is going to go wrong??? While I have been away, Paul is working on getting the house ready to paint (the inside) and doing little projects to get things ready for the baby (because after the baby comes...we aren't going to have time to do them!) I am planning a big surprise birthday party for Paul for Saturday August 3, 2002. (It's his 50th...OMG!!!) I can't wait...he is going to be so surprised. No one has ever had a surprise birthday party for him. As a child, his birthday was one day after his brother's so they had to celebrate together...so this will be a big deal for him. I still have some planning to do, but I have invited about 44 people. (So far 20 have RSVP'd). We will have an Italian buffet dinner at Iacano's with wine and beer. I have to find decorations and a nice bakery to do a special cake. I can't wait!!! He deserves this so much. He is such a caring and loving person...I am so lucky to have him as my husband!!! And this little baby is going to be one lucky little baby to have Paul as his/her daddy!!!

We Lost our Kitty Louie...

Louie died on Monday, July 15, 2002. Four and a half years after rescuing this little orange and white boy from the Humane Society where he was to be euthanized (he was over 10 years old at that point) and after years of force feedings, daily administration of sub-Q fluids, pills, and many many vet visits, new medications, 18 months of sleeping on a mattress on the floor with him, and helping him through the vomiting, and tough times...but also the good purring times and the cuddling.....we lost our wonderful orange and white boy, Louie...the most special cat in the whole wide world. He was so small and skinny when we rescued him....he was old...and already had kidney failure and heart disease...but boy did he have heart! He lived pretty uneventfully with us (we just had to give him heart medications and administer sub-Q fluids every other night) for the first 3 years. But then he was diagnosed with bladder cancer in January of 2001. The vet said he just had a few months to live...so I moved into the spare bedroom to sleep with him during his time left here on earth. Then we did some research and found an experimental drug that was working for dogs with bladder cancer and our vet (a cat specialist) agreed to try it for Louie...and his bladder cancer went into remission!! We were so happy!!! We had a second chance with this little guy! However, in June of 2001, the new drug almost killed him as it caused major problems with is heart. And on the day we were scheduled to euthanize him (he was so sick he couldn't even get up to use the litter box) he got better (after we reduced the dose of this medication and added lasix for his heart). Thus, we were lucky enough to have him for 13 months after that. Louie was like our child. We had to be home at certain times to make sure he got his pills and had to be home to force feed him...and then at night to give him fluids. I (or Paul) had to sleep in his room with him every night in the event he would have to vomit, as we had to be there to hold him so he wouldn't hurt himself. He was such a fighter...and every day and every minute with him was a blessing. He would see me walk into his room and he would immediately start to purr....despite his illnesses. He loved to be brushed....and I could always get him to close his eyes and purr when I brushed him on the side of his face (he loved that so). He used to walk up to me while I was sleeping on the mattress and nuzzle me (oh, so gently) if he had woken in the middle of the night and wanted some attention. But the last week we knew something wasn't right as this beautiful being stopped purring for us. He went to the vet with Paul on Monday and his vet was worried, his heart was so slow and his blood count was down. They consulted with the cardiologist and ran a lot of test including an EKG. He needed a blood transfusion which was scheduled for the next day...and they sent Louie home with Paul with a prescription for a new heart medication to add to his list of drugs. On the way home Paul called me crying saying he was headed back to the vet with Louie, because he was acting weird. Louie was struggling and gently biting Paul's arm...and Paul was trying to comfort him. I tried to rush out to meet them at the vet, but Paul called again crying saying that Louie died on the way back to the vet....in his arms. We are lost without this special friend. Please pray that all animals may have a chance at some form of eternal life. Sometimes, I think they deserve it more than most people do. *tears*

It's Real....

I think I can finally believe it!!! On June 24, 2002 (our 7th Anniversary) we had our 9w0d ultrasound...and there was our little baby, with a beautiful heartbeat...and actually squirming and moving around! I think it is finally true...it is real. We are going to have a baby! Now I am really scared. Gosh, this is a life-changing event...and it is actually frightening sometimes....even after waiting this long and wanting nothing more in the world. I am scared. I am disappointed in myself for feeling that way...I know in my heart it will pass...but something about the finality of really being pregnant and that a baby will be coming is terrifying to me right now. Anyway, despite the periods of fear, I am really happy inside....I am thrilled, I am still in shock and can't believe it really happened to us! We are having a baby....I can't believe it...we're having a baby!!! YIKES!!!

8w3d....In Australia.....and Not Feeling Pregnant at All....

I don't know what to think. After having the bleeding episodes at home and then a third episode last Tuesday here in Australia (it was pretty bad but only lasted about 2 hours) I just can't quite accept the fact that I am pregnant. In fact, I have this horrible feeling that maybe I am not anymore. I know that I HAVE to stay positive....and that even after the bleeding episodes, we saw our baby's heartbeat...twice...and that he or she was growing on target...BUT...it just doesn't feel right yet. I have absolutely no symptoms...other than I have put on about 30 lbs since April 18th!!! Yes, I really have! I am disgusted with myself and the way that I look. I am attributing a lot of the weight gain to the IVF treatment AND to my quitting smoking (I haven't smoked in almost 9 weeks!!!!) as well as just letting myself go and being a glutton for food. I am trying to do better this week and am giving up sweets and sticking to fruit instead. I also started to exercise a bit (walking and jogging slowly) which will help in the long run. Anyway, I wanted to update my journal and note that I oh so want to be able to believe that we have a baby growing and to believe that I really am pregnant. I feel like I am wasting away these days of pregnancy when I should be so very happy and celebrating...shopping and just revelling in the happiness. But I can't yet. I just can't. I am trying to return to the U.S. from Australia early (this Thursday or Friday) provided that my work will allow it. Paul has set up another ultrasound with a different RE at our clinic(our RE is in Africa until July 8th when our next ultrasound is scheduled) just to be sure that everything is okay. Until that time....we will continue to pray to God and thank Him for this blessing.

6w4d Ultrasound

We are still not sure what to think!!! UGH!!! I started bleeding again yesterday pretty badly. I was upset...but figured I would wait for the appointment with the RE today to see what had happened. The bleeding stopped after a bout 5-6 hours. I stayed home from work today and kept my feet up until our appointment. The ultrasound showed a beautiful little beating heart (110 beats per minute) and a little baby measuring 6w4d!!!!! (He/she is almost 7mm today) The RE cannot explain the bleeding, but he did see what appears to be small gestational sack that hadn't been there before that *may* have been a second embryo trying to attach. He said it is possible the bleeding came from that. He said that I am much more at risk to lose this pregnancy than the average woman due to the bleeding that I have had, but that there is nothing that we can do to prevent it if it is going to happen. I am leaving for a 2 week business trip to Australia on Sunday and my doctor will be in Africa (how exotic are we??) until July 8th....so unless something bad happens we will not have another scan until then??? Until then we continue to pray and dream for our little baby who we have wanted for so long.

6w3d...Bleeding Again

Of course, after having no spotting or bleeding or anything all day yesterday, I started bleeding pretty heavily again today at lunchtime. I will just wait for my appointment with the RE tomorrow at 12:30 pm. We'll see what he says. This is getting really hard!

6w1d, Bleeding, ER, and Heartbeat....

Everything had been moving along at a snail's pace it seemed. We were just waiting for our next ultrasound scheduled for this Friday to determine whether there was a growing baby with a heartbeat (at the last ultrasound we just saw a sack and a yolk sack). Then out of the blue last night I felt a gush of something and went to the restroom (my spotting had finally stopped the day before) and there was red red blood. It continued and was quite heavy, so Paul and I headed off to the emergency room assuming we were miscarrying. We were in the emergency room for almost 4 hours. They ran HCG levels (31,039), did a pelvic exam (cervix still closed), an abdominal ultrasound (could just see a shadow) and finally a vaginal ultrasound (where they saw the fetal pole and a fetal heartbeat!) The baby measured 6w1d (even though technically I should be 6w4d) and it gave us a due date of January 27, 2003. The resident said that this could go either way and labeled it a "threatened abortion."  I noticed on the ultrasound picture of the baby that the sack is not round, but is more oblong....which I think I have read somewhere is not a good thing. I asked the resident about it and she didn't know. The nurse then gave me a Rhogam shot (I am 0- and Paul is 0+) in case this was maternal/fetal bleeding??? Today the bleeding is pretty much over (just a little bit of spotting) but the threat of miscarriage is still there in my heart. We will know more on Friday when we have our ultrasound with Dr. Schmidt. As always, if you can find it in your heart, please say a prayer for us.

Nothing Can Be Easy for Us...Ultrasound...6w0d...

We were lucky enough to get a very early ultrasound yesterday at 6w0d since I have had brown spotting for 10 days! Anyway, unfortunately, we still don't have any great news to share. I guess we will never get to feel comfortable about being pregnant. The ultrasound showed a sack and a yolk sack. This means that the embryo was too small to be seen. Dr. Schmidt was not encouraging. He said it is about 3-4 days behind where it should be at this point, but that we could rule out an ectopic pregnancy and a blighted ovum. However, he said there are two possibilities: 1) the embryo implanted late...or 2) the embryo stopped growing 3-4 days ago. We go back for another ultrasound next Friday when I should be 7w1d...and will be praying to see a baby at that point. (I leave for Australia for two weeks that weekend...so we really need to know something at the next scan.)

Starting to believe we may have a little baby on the way!

I am so excited, scared, nervous, happy, etc. that I can hardly write. After all of the doubling but low betas, and after waiting the whole 3 day weekend for a fifth beta and just hoping that it doubled...we received the news. Our beta went from 582 on Friday to 4441 today (Tuesday). It more than doubled every two days!!! The nurse said we don't need any more betas...and that I am to schedule my first ultrasound with Dr. Schmidt for sometime after June 6, 2002!!! Is this real? I can't fathom that it is. Paul is so happy....I am still scared. I have NO symptoms whatsoever, which really worries me and I have been spotting for a week! But for today, I am HAPPY!!!

5w1d...Still in Limbo...Beta Rising But Low.

Oh, I don't know how much more of this we can take. Our beta today (at 5w1d) was 582. It more than doubled from two days ago when it was 230. However, it leaves us in the same state of limbo. I still have some brown spotting, though it has gotten a bit lighter today. Poor Paul remains so hopeful. I guess in a way, I am too, despite the fact that I know how dangerous that can be! I guess the nurse expected our numbers to go down, or skyrocket...either of which would have been an indicator of the future of this pregnancy....but neither thing happened. The beta went up as it should....and it remains well below where it should be for this far along.  I have to go back on Tuesday for a 5th beta. How will we make it through the 3 day weekend?

Beta is still rising but low.....

Well, my third beta went from 115 two days ago to 230 today. Exactly doubling in 48 hours. It still is very very low compared to what others have at this point and I have been spotting now for several days. I am very concerned. Also, we got a call at 2:00 am this morning from Dr. Hart in Australia saying that Paul the Pigeon had died last night.  I am so very very sad.  I also found out that one of our rescue organization's cats, Lucky, who had been found with a gaping wound in his stomach, died right after surgery.  Things are so very very sad.

Paul the Pigeon....

I just wanted to make a little note about my last day in Australia. With all of the excitement of finding out we are pregnant, I forgot to write about Paul the Australian Pigeon and my last day in Melbourne! Well, it was my last day in Melbourne and I had a driver that was going to pick me up at 9:45 am to take me to the airport. I took some cereal out to feed the pigeons (there is one that is missing a foot that I had been feeding all week). After feeding the pigeons and walking down to the pharmacy to buy a couple more HPTs  I was headed back to the hotel to pack when I noticed a pigeon out in the street who had been hit by a car. I was sick to my stomach, as I knew it would be my one-footed friend as this was around the area where I fed him every day. I was straining to see if the dead pigeon on the street had one or two feet, when I saw the bloody ball of feathers and fluff move. I gasped, as I couldn't believe (and prayed) that it was still alive. But it was. It was bloody with bones sticking out all over the place....but it was struggling to move a bit to stay alive. Oh, God, I was sick!!! At that point, all that I could do was pray that another car or tram would run over this poor little bird to end its misery. I thought surely it must be so close to death that it was going to die any minute. But he didn't. He was still breathing, I could see that from where I was, and the cars and trams just kept passing around him. I thought, well, I better just get going....he is going to die any second. But I couldn't do that. But, I was so afraid if I tried to help him that he was going to be so badly hurt that everything was going to fall apart if/when I tried to move him. Finally I decided that I had to do something....so I found a plastic 7-11 bag and ran out into the street and scooped Paul the pigeon up with the bag. (He was not the 1-footed pigeon by-the-way) I looked down at the little guy and his good eye looked up at me, and I knew I had to help him. (I had originally thought that I would just get him out of the street and put him under a bush somewhere so he could die peacefully.) So I moved quickly along back to the hotel, not knowing what I was going to do and with only about 50 minutes until my driver would be arriving to take me to the airport! I made it back to the hotel and asked the porter to find me a veterinarian that was open (Aussies open for business a lot later than we do in the US and it was a bit before 9:00 am). They found a vet about 10-15 minutes away and I got a nice taxi driver who did his best to get Paul the pigeon and I there as quickly as possible. In the meantime, I noticed that one of Paul's eyes was swollen, that one of his legs had been injured, and of course his wing (from which all of the blood and bones could be seen) but that other than that he looked okay. He continued to breath...and look up at me with his good little eye when I checked ion him to be sure he was still alive. We made it to the Claredon Rd. Animal Hospital and met Dr. Hart as soon as I walked in. He was so nice and offered to euthanize the "stray pigeon" for free, but was happy to help when I said that I wanted to try to save him if possible. So....to make a long story short, Dr. Hart gave him an antibiotic and a pain injection, wrapped him up in a warm cover and let him rest so that they could get him stabilized. He promised to do some surgery on the wing (which he pulled out and I could see that it had been mangled beyond recognition) as soon as he could. Dr. Hart also told me that there was a strong possibility that Paul would not make it through the surgery due to his condition. I left a nice down payment ($250 Aust) thanked this wonderful vet who really cared about animals, and jumped in the taxi (with my nice fast driver who had agreed to wait for me) and headed back tot he hotel. We made it back, my driver was waiting....so I threw my bags together and was off to the airport. It wasn't until I was in the air to Sydney that I actually thought about what had taken place that morning and I prayed for the life of that little pigeon and his little eye that kept looking up at me, trusting me to do the right thing for him. As of today, Paul is well. He had most of his wing removed and one of his legs is injured, so he hobbles about in his cage according to Dr. Hart. But he is eating a bit....and is expected to live!!!! We are looking for a sanctuary of some sort that would take him....he deserves to live after what he has been through. It looks like Paul the pigeon will live to see many beautiful days!!! I am so thankful that I decided to stop...I could have easily just kept on walking.

Beta Results.....

Well, after taking many many HPT's that were faint but getting darker....we got the results of our beta from 13dp3dt (Saturday). It was 47. They said that they would have liked to have seen it higher and asked if I had been bleeding (no). They said to be cautiously optimistic....but that things could go either way. Since Saturday, I have taken a couple more tests and they do look like the lines are getting a little darker....but not a lot which makes me suspect that this pregnancy isn't going to continue. But deep in my heart, I just feel that this baby will stick around and we will meet him or her in 8 months. I have continued to pray for this baby, as I know Paul has.....and the rest is in His hands. We will have today's beta results which should give us a better indication this afternoon. Please pray for us. **UPDATE: Our beta results for today (48 hours after the first results) were: 115! Apparently that is good, as it more than doubled....however, we are not out of the woods yet. This number seems pretty low to me for being 15dp3dt and when I asked the nurse about it she agreed, but said it is a great rise...so things look good. I go in for a final beta on Wednesday!!! Thank you God for this blessing!!!

In Australia, More + HPTs But Scared...

I have taken several more CBE and one EFR HPTs since yesterday morning....and all showed very light positives (even the EFR which had been negative yesterday morning). However, it just seems that they should be darker by now (10dp3dt) if this were a viable pregnancy. I am almost thinking it could be the HCG from my trigger shot (15 days ago?) I am just so afraid to allow myself to be happy. I am so afraid....but I so want to be happy. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

OMG!!!! I Think We May Be Pregnant!!!!!

OMG!! OMG!!! I have been taking HPT's since Mother's Day...all negative (EFR brand). Then I took a Clear Blue Easy this morning (9dp3dt) and there is a light but definitely there second line (and it wasn't even FMU!!!!) I cannot even think straight. I keep praying and thanking God!!! I am so afraid this isn't real....that something isn't right....that it is a false positive...or it is a dream. Please keep us in your prayers....after 2 1/2 years and 4 IVF's we really could use them. Thank you so much God!!!

Fat, Depressed, Negative HPT....

I cried last night. I am not exactly sure why. I have had two negative HPT's... (6dp3dt and 7dp3dt). I cried because I have gotten so fat since I quit smoking and I am disgusted with myself...I cried because I miss my sister who I haven't talked to in three years. I cried because I haven't been a very good friend or wife to my husband over the last two years. I cried because I am not pregnant...after everything we have gone through. I cried.

6dp3dt--Melbourne Australia

Well, it is now officially 6 days since my 3day transfer took place and I am uncertain what to think. One minute I think I am pregnant (bloating, heartburn, hot flashes) and the next I think I am not (bloating less, no tiredness, etc.) I am proud to say that unlike my other IVF's I have not taken a HPT yet. I told myself I would wait until Mother's Day in the States (which will be Monday morning here in Australia) so I have another day and a half to wait. I will be 7dp3dt then...so it probably won't tell me a whole lot either way. Regardless, I have been praying a lot more this time. I am also thinking positive and walking around as if I had a secret that only I know about. I have been drinking my water, eating like a pig, and NOT smoking! All that I can do is pray that the babies in there are growing. Oh, please God, say they are! On another note, Melbourne is just a lovely place this time of year. It is mid fall, but it feels like a nice summer day in Ohio. The air is breezy and crisp...but it is pleasantly warm. It is Saturday, so the sidewalk cafes are full of young and old sampling food and ales and the streets and sidewalks are so alive with people it is almost like a festival! There is so much foot traffic and so much to see and do along the way to where you are going....I just can't force myself to take a tram. So I walk back and forth to the office each day (about 30 minutes each way) but it is so worth it. I love this city and this country. If you ever have the opportunity to experience Australia....do it....you will not regret it.

In Australia again....and Symptoms at 4dp3dt

G'Day!!! I am back in Melbourne and it is a beautiful time of year here. It is fall, and the temperature is perfect, it is breezy, and just a beautiful place. I have only been here for a day and a half and I am doing my best to be very positive this cycle (as it is my understanding that the mind can play a very huge roll in IVF and success rates). So, I am pregnant....I just *know* I am. I am more positive than I should probably be....but I really think this may have worked this time! I am sooo bloated....much more bloated than I can remember being last time. (although since I quit smoking, I have been allowing myself to eat virtually anytime and anything that I want in order to get over the cravings....so that may be the reason for the bloating.) However, today (4dp3dt) I had the WORST heartburn. I do tend to get this each month that I am on progesterone supplements....but not like this. (Although I do remember heartburn this bad the month I was pregnant!) My progesterone level came back at 105!!!! Which is the highest that it has ever been. It certainly does not give nay indication of pregnancy...but I will take that as a positive sign. I do not feel overly tired....but overall, I think I may be pregnant this time!