January 29, 2003--Welcome to the World Beautiful Boy!!!

I can't believe you are here beautiful sweet boy! I can't believe how my heart is overflowing with love for you. I never would have guessed how much love I have inside me. I was soooo worried that I wouldn't like you...or that I would have no instinctual "bond" with you.....How very wrong I was. From the second that I saw you, my heart swelled with love for you. I cannot even describe the feelings that I have for you baby boy. I can't imagine seeing anything as beautiful as you. I am in love beyond words! It all began with my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, January 28, 2003. Dr. Samuels said that I had not progressed enough and said that I needed to check in to the hospital that night to "get things started." That was the beginning of a mad rush of events which resulted in your birth sweet baby. (As I write this entry, your Daddy is holding you downstairs, and I am crying because I am so in love with you.) Daddy and I arrived at the hospital at 8:00pm and checked in. Because the labor and delivery floor was very busy, we had to wait until 10:00 for our room. Once we got in and I changed into one of those horrible hospital gowns, they gave me Cytotech to help get my cervix ready for the induction the next morning. Daddy waited there with me for over an hour to make sue that the drug would not start my labor. When we knew that wasn't going to happen, he went home (reluctantly) to take care of Darby and the other pets. (He was planning to come back in the morning for the induction.) Mommy was hooked up to some monitors...and managed to fall asleep (even though the nurses came in about every hour to check on me and on you little baby. Not a lot was happening...but then they woke me up at about 3:30 am and said that your heartbeat was getting slower due to the contractions I was having. (I never even felt any contractions at that point.) They put an internal monitor inside me that attached to your little head and they broke my water. Dr. Samuels came in to see what was happening and he told the doctors watching me to remove the Cytotech (as it was causing hard contractions that may be hurting you) and to start a small dose of Pictocin instead. Within an hour I started to feel contractions, but they were not bad. They asked if I wanted the epidural now (I was dilated to 3 centimeters) and I said I would prefer to wait. By 6:00 am the contractions were becoming unbearable. They were watching you really closely and continued to have some concerns about your heart rate. I asked for the epidural. The anesthesiologist did not numb my back properly and when he put the needle into my spine, I felt horrible pain. I even began crying it was so painful. He numbed me more...and continued to try to get the epidural in, but after 5 tries called for another anesthesiologist to do it. That doctor didn't arrive until 7:00 am and by that time, I was in horrible pain and the contractions were getting stronger and closer together. The second anesthesiologist also failed to numb my back properly and I felt the needle go in again. After numbing me a second time, he got the epidural in and within 15 minutes....I felt GREAT!!!! I felt nothing down there after being in horrible pain for a couple of hours...so it was euphoria. I called your Daddy to tell him everything that had happened (he had called while they were trying to get the epidural in) and he was sooo upset. He felt that he was "missing everything." By this time I was dilated to 5 centimeters. Dr. Samuels came in to check on you. He said that things did not look good. That you were higher up than you had been the day before and that Mommy wasn't making good progress. He said they weren't ready to push a c-section yet...but things were not going as planned. He then asked if I had used the restroom since I had the epidural (I hadn't used it since about 4:00 am as they said that once I had the internal monitors on, I had to use a bedpan and Mommy would never do that!). I told him no...and he ordered a catheter...and they found out why you had moved up. Apparently, Mommy's bladder was so big, it pushed you back up in her uterus. Daddy arrived about that time and things started to move along better. Mommy's contractions got stronger and more regular. Over the next couple of hours I progressed to about 6 centimeters. Dr. Samuels figuresd that we would have you sometime mid to late afternoon. We called your Nana and told her to be here around 2:00 pm so she wouldn't miss anything. By 12:30, the nurses were in constantly checking on you. Your heart rate was slowing down...the contractions were hard on you. They said I was progressing quickly...I was dilated to 8 and then 15 minutes later I was 100%...and the nurses frantically were calling for Dr. Samuels. Daddy and I were trying to find Nana as we wanted to let her know you were ready to come any time! Dr. Samuels arrive just before 1:00pm...and at that time, Mommy was ready to push!! They saw your beautiful head! Mommy never felt anything. She pushed on the direction of Dr. Samuels. Daddy stood by her head and helped her push. They said your head was out after two pushes. Your cord was wrapped around your neck twice...and it was knotted as well. Another two pushes and you were out! They laid you on my chest (even though I swore I didn't want that) and I was in love. They took you away to clean you off an weigh you and Daddy went along. They said 8 pound 9 ounces...what a big boy!!! Daddy was so proud. He stayed with you the whole time while the doctors and nurses took care of Mommy. When all that was done, I got to see you and hold you and that is when the true love began...and my heart swelled ten sizes. I cannot express how much I love you baby boy. I cannot imagine ever not being sure if I would love you or bond with you. My heart belongs to you, John Paul Butler Carson ... Welcome to the world. Love, Mommy ~Baby Jack One Day Old~ ~Baby Jack & Daddy~

Before you were conceived I wanted you.
Before you were born I loved you.
Before you were an hour I would die for you.

40 Weeks...Still Here...Update on Darby

Well, truth be known, today I am REALLY 40w3d (based on retrieval date--Jack's original due date should have been January 24, 2003) but this has been my due date (January 27, 2003) since we first saw the heartbeat at the emergency room and little Jack was measured for the first time. Nothing much has happened during the last few days with respect to this pregnancy until this morning. In the car I felt an uncomfortable crampiness around my back and lower abdomen. It could be gas, but it is definitely something new. I think we are going to have the baby on our own...i.e., before we are induced on Wednesday. Don't ask me why, I just have that feeling. As far as our pup, Darby...he is home with us now.....and the news from his myelogram was not good. His little spine is being severely compressed at the sites of his former surgery. The myelogram shows that where the bone was removed during the last decompressive sugery, new bone, scar tissue, and ligaments have grown...compressing the spine even more than before. The outlook is bad. Dr. Dyce said that Darby will continue to deteriorate and that eventually, it will result in total paralysis. This could happen in a matter of weeks or months...but it will not be years.   He said that surgery is the only option that may slow the progression, but that there is a greater than 50% chance that surgery would result in immediate paralysis. He is on a medication that will relieve pain (as that is what caused us tot take him in to OSU in the first place....he had severe back pain all of a sudden). But this will do nothing for the condition. So there are our options. Let him wither away until he is paralyzed (which could mean paralysis of his diaphragm resulting in smothering as he would not be able to breath.) OR attempt surgery with less than a 50% chance for recovery, which could give Darby several years longer. Oh, God...what should we do.

Please Pray for Our Dalmatian Baby...Please

Now, after what we just went through with Jerry...our Dalmatian, Darby is in trouble. Way back in January 1999, Darby was diagnosed with Wobbler's Disease. This is a degenerative disease that causes the spinal column to encroach upon the spinal cord until the animal is in severe pain and is ultimately paralyzed. We have gone through major treatment for Darbs....from $5,000 spinal cord surgery with a neuro surgeon in Michigan to Gold Bead implantation at the acupuncture points with a vet in Indiana. He was doing so well. People could not believe how well he was doing over the last 3 years. But now....it is all changing. Poor Darby has been yelping in pain at night. It is starting to come back....and we are very afraid. He is currently at OSU Vet Hospital having a myleogram (whereby they shoot dye into his spinal fluid and take contrast pictures of his spinal column). This is very dangerous in and of itself....as the last time, Darby starting having seizures and they could not stop the seizures for 16 hours. However, it is the only way they can assess what is happening in there so that they can determine if there is anything that they can do for him. They are not sure that there is anything more that they can do....and that is the scariest part of all. Please, Please, PLEASE pray for our first baby. We love the big guy so much...and he is so alive and loving and happy.....please pray for him.

39w1d--Jack will be here before the end of January!!!

We had our 39 week appointment. We had another ultrasound. Jack was moving around. He measured a bit large...but nothing exceptional. The doctor told us not to rely on ultrasound measurements this late in the pregnancy as they could be up to 20% off. He said that Jack was "big, but not that big." I am due in 6 days. If I have not had him by January 28th (my next doctor's appointment) I will be induced on the 29th. I am not sure how I feel about that. I would rather wait until he comes naturally, as I have heard that inductions result in painful hard labors. However, I have been reading and it looks like it can become dangerous for the baby (as well as more likely to result in a c-section) if you go beyond your true due date. The placenta can stop supporting the baby and the anionic fluid can become low. Apparently, the issue often is what the real due date is, as estimates can be off by a week to two weeks based on the woman's cycle. However, in this case, we know exactly when conception occurred, so a miscalculated due date is not an issue. Thus, when we go beyond the due date, we know we are really going beyond the due date. I guess I am feeling more comfortable with the induction the more that I think about it...but I am still hoping that Jack decides to come on his own before the 29th!!! I am getting excited (and scared!!!) ~Belly 39 weeks~

Jerry is Gone...Forever...

At approximately 4:15 today, Jerry's beautiful soul left this earth. When I walked into the vet's office and back into the room, Paul was already there with him. Poor little Jerry was just a little wisp, lying on his side. His eyes opened up and he lifted his head a bit to look at me when I walked in and said his name. He couldn't move much more than his head....and he was very sick. My heart was breaking and I did my best not to cry too much. I didn't want him to know or sense how upset his "mommy" was. Paul and I petted, kissed and talked to him for about 20 minutes. He was just barely living....but he knew we were there. The vet gave him the drug that ended his life here on earth and I will never forget his little eye looking at me. The left one was closed, but the right eye looked right at his Mommy. I will never forget that. I love him with all of my heart and soul. Please , God, take care of Jerry for us.

This May Be Our Last Day with Jerry.....

Our hearts are breaking again. Jerry our little rescued kitty who was left outdoors or dumped by his owner at the age of 12+ and after being declawed is dying today. I can't stop crying. We have only had him for 9 months or so.....but after seeing what this poor little boy has been through, and knowing him like we have come to know him, we couldn't love this sweet cat more if we had had him since he was a kitten. Jerry was nothing but bones when he was rescued last summer. He was sick at that time and we welcomed him into our home. Thank you God for bringing this beautiful being into our lives! He was diagnosed with cancer in September and we started him on chemotherapy. We had to, the poor little thing had been on his own with no claws and no one to care for him for a while....he deserved to have someone love and care for him again. We did. We love him so much. Things went okay for a while....but he began to decline and now he is in the hospital and is close to death. He probably will not live much longer and we will have to make the decision to end his life. It is killing me. I don't understand why this has to happen. He has never had much of anything and now he has to die. Please pray for his sweet soul. I can't stop crying.

38w2d Waiting...waiting...waiting...

We had our 38 week appointment yesterday, and everything seems to be fine (little Jack is head down, cervix is still long, blood pressure 102/62, etc.) Nothing is really happening. However, I have been feeling the signs of depression looming a bit. I asked the doctor about it and he said it is normal to have prenatal depression and offered to give me drugs which I refused at this time. I guess I am just overly emotional right now. Jerry, one of our cats is going through chemo therapy right now and he is not doing well and this is really affecting me emotionally...so perhaps that is it. I just cannot get over this anxious feeling that there is so much that I have to deal with right now.....it is overwhelming. On the bright side, we are getting very excited about little Jack's arrival. I FINALLY found a coming home outfit for him. It is a little blue knit outfit with little trains sewn in here and there, with little feet in the pants, a little collar around the neck and a little blue hat to match. Soooo cute. Paul should finally be finishing up the installation of the chair rail in the nursery so that will be done as well. He also still needs to install the car seats and I am in the process of packing for the hospital! We still need to buy our crib (we have one picked out) but have time to purchase that as Jack will be sleeping in a bassinet in our room for the first few months. Things are getting done....it just seems like there is so much left to do (at home and at work)...it is a little unsettling!  ~Thirty Seven Weeks~